I've Moved....

.....you can now find me at: New Journal

UPDATE: Adoption Prayer Request

DH is already looking at the "worst case senario" in order to guard his heart. I'm looking at "best possible senario" and realizing that my heart could be broken. I spoke with the Family Finders coordinator today. They do not have too much information and will UPS what they do have. The agency is waiting for an updated medical profile. Sadly, we do not know where the meningocele repair is located. In the meantime, we are the first family to request information b/c she is so new in the program. That bodes well for us. Right now it all a matter of finding our her needs and deciding if we can manage them. Three are a possibility--parapelgia in the legs and lack of control of the bowels and/or bladder. I've babysat for a family that was dealt all three cards and it wasn't easy at all. At this point I'm hopeful that we may have found Baby Sarah (a girl in another group calls her PBS = Possible Baby Sarah. LOL!!)

ADOPTION PRAYER REQUEST!

We have requested more information about a waiting child from China. She's a cutie. DOB: 3/31/05. Please pray for the Lord's guidance as we wait to see if this little one might be our Baby Sarah. She has meningocele repair and from what I can tell from internet searching, this is a less severe form of Spina Bifida. It is possible there is not spinal cord or nerve root damage. If this is the case, she could possible have no adverse affects of SP. We are currently awaiting more information to see if her condition is outside of our realm of managability or not. If manageable, then we are going to petition to adopt her. This would mean that our dossier would be expedited through the process and we could travel to China around Christmas or New Years. Please pray for us as we make this decision. I'm already taken with her photo and starting to obsess. I'm trying not to get my heart broken again, but I can't help it. She's got the cutest little "Yeah, What about it?" expresson on her face. It just makes DH & I giggle.

Baby Sarah's "Bai Jia Bei"

Dear Family and Friends: As many of you know, we are adopting a baby girl from China and our dossier is logged into China’s database. Currently, the China Center of Adoption Affairs (CCAA) is taking approximately 14 months to match babies with their forever families. We hope to receive our referral and travel in summer 2007, though it may take longer. We have requested to be matched with an infant girl as young as possible and have chosen her American name to be Sarah Lyn (Chinese names to come with referral). To welcome and celebrate a new life, a tradition exists in the northern part of China, to make a Bai Jia Bei (100 Good Wishes Quilt). It is a custom where friends and family contribute squares of cloth along with their wish/prayer for the baby. The quilt is said to contain the luck and energy from everyone who contributed a piece of fabric. We would like to create a 100 wishes/prayers quilt to give to our daughter when we bring her home from China and we would like to have your love and prayers included. There are two pieces to contribute: FABRIC - Choose a machine washable, 100% cotton piece of fabric. It can be new or used (from a meaningful piece of fabric). Cut a “fat quarter”. (An idea for a shortcut is to go to your local fabric store and look for "fat quarters". These are pre-cut squares of fabric specifically for quilts-no measuring and cutting required!). WISH - This is the fun part. Send us a note (no bigger than 5 ½ by 8 ½) with a good wish/prayer/blessing for Sarah Lyn and a scrap of your fabric (glued to the paper). Your wish can be simple or elaborate, handwritten or typed. It can be something you wrote or a favorite poem, lyric, bible quote, or anything else that strikes your fancy. Please remember to sign your wish and include your city and state. These written wishes compiled in a scrapbook and it would be wonderful to link a blessing with a piece of fabric in the quilt. (If there are any scrapbook lovers out there-here's a chance to show off your skills). If you have more than one person in your family who would like to participate then please feel free to send more than one quilt block and wish. Remember, we need to get to 100 wishes (or more) so the more the better. Children are welcome to be contributors to this project as well! If you do not have our mailing address, please email us at adoptionwait-baijiabei@yahoo.com. We know you all have very busy schedules, but we hope you will be able to help us create this special keepsake. This will be so incredibly meaningful to us as well as to Sarah as she gets older, especially since it incorporates a part of her Chinese heritage. Sarah's Family

Mornings and Me......

Note to self: Don't mix migraine meds with sleeping pills. You won't wake up to anything. I slept through two alarms and three phone calls this morning. I slept right through my appointment. Luckily, I was able to reschedule for later in the morning and I just got back. According to the tech, there is nothing that stands out from what I described they found last time. The radiologist will compare today's scans with last novembers and file a report. Since Dr. C's office is closed on Friday, I won't hear anything until Monday or Tuesday. But for all intents and purposes, it appears that I just have a very funky breast. Lucky me.

A comic that made me chuckle today....

The funk is lifting.....

..... but I'm still sorting out my emotions from the last week. I did drive up to Palmer last night and visit with a good friend. That helped. I didn't sleep all that well last night b/c my legs started hurting in the middle of the night. They are still sore today. I need to go get something to eat so I can take my medicine. The room that is going to be the nursery hasn't been used for anything other than temp storage since we moved in during Summer 2001. So for 5 years it has waited for a baby to fill it up. I'm thinking that doesn't help my emotional state much either. I'm thinking of just turning it into a sewing room. If and when we finally become parents, turning it in to a baby's room won't be that difficult. So I'm thinking of just boxing up everything we've collected and stuffing it in the closet and making a sewing room. I can get all that stuff out of my office and if I can leave my sewing machine out, I'll get my projects done. I can even set up an area to work on scrapbooking. I really don't see the point in leaving the room unused for another possible 3 years.

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I just got a call from WACAP. That so made my day. I feel so much better. If a baby falls in our lap, they'll work with us and still let us keep our application in with China. They said the original rule of putting you on hold was b/c it was a six month wait from DTC to referral. She was also disappointed to hear that the opportunity to adopt last week fell through and that the local agency wouldn't work with us. Also, she said that it was likely that Dr. C wasn't aware of hospital policy b/c it really *is* rare that a dr. would facilitate an adoption these days. She says that it rare now for a dr. to know about the need for an adoption plan at birth. She did say that there really is know way to predict if China will speed up and did assure me that dispite the internet rumors, that China really is backlogged b/c they have more Dossiers than they've ever dealt with. I'm feeling more relaxed and much better about everything. I just wish that this worked like a pregnancy and you had an approx. arrival date of your child. Argh!

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I have an u/s in the morning (7am--migod what was I thinking) to give the radiologist a chance to compare with last November's u/s as there is no Mammogram for her to compare to. If everything looks the same then I'll know right away. If not, then I have no idea when I'll know anything. Prayer for "no change" would be welcomed. However, no change wouldn't explain the dorky look my right breast has. OH well, just no change would mean, no worries. Thank you!

I feel like a Murky Dismal today.

I can't believe that it's taking a frickin' week and a half for Regional to get my films over to Providence. This waiting around it killing me. It wouldn't be so bad if I didn't get that *#$(&% letter and have a nightmare about having Stage II breast cancer. *sigh* I'm not feeling well today. I'm tired. It's STILL raining.

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Well, PT went well. Getting harder, but is doing good things for me. My Dr.'s office called and I have to go in for an u/s so they can compare the new u/s with the old u/s. Regional says that Providence's courier will be picking up my films tomorrow. That works as my new u/s is scheduled for Wed am. Argh!!

Mammogram Letters

I got letter yesterday from the imaging center stating that the finding of my mammogram require that the compare them to the last mammogram. First there is NO mammo of my right breast other than the one taken last week. I have an u/s from November with a core needle biopsy, but nothing else. Then last night I have a vivid dream that I was Dx with Stage II breast cancer. It was one of those vivid dreams that when you wake up, you emotionally feel like it really happened *sigh* It's hard not to worry that something is afoot.......... /c:

I had a normal saturday!!

Do you know how long it's been since I had an NORMAL saturday!!

It's raining cats and dogs today. Ugh!!

K leaves tonight for Seward for 10 days. It's the Annual Silver Salmon Derby. He's excited. I don't know why, he has to get up at 4:30am for 10 days. Anyway, this is the time of year I pull out all my undone projects and get a few of them finished. I also rent all the chick flicks that Keith won't watch with me. I really look forward to this time of year.

I get to meet a friend!!!

Friday evening, for the first time in 3 years, I will get to give my friend Melissa a great big bear hug. She has been one of my rocks. We used to talk via IM daily. She and DH are the TWO reasons I have such an aweseome job right now (they wouldn't let me cancel the interview). She has talked me through my worst moments and helped me see reason more often than I can count. I cannot wait to finally give the biggest hug ever and thank her face to face for being one of my "lighthouses" in the storms of life.

I'm doing better today

Amazing what a good night of sleep can do for you emotionally. I'm still disappointed and my heart still hurts, but the rawness is fading. I woke up this morning and the first thing I thought of was "I could have woken up with a baby in my arms". Then I rolled over and caught a few more minutes of sleep. I was talking to my pastor's wife yesterday and she told me "it's ok to be specific with God about what you want". So I mulled it over while we ate dinner with Keith's parents. I mulled it over while I drove home. I know that going to China and scooping up a little 12-14 mo baby girl *or* boy would make me "over the moon" happy. I would finally be parent either way. However, if asked what I *specifically* would want, my reply would be that I would really love to have a newborn baby girl. I can be perfectly happy if God decides that another child is better for our family, but if He were to come to make and audibly ask "what in your heart do you specifically want?", I would answer without a beat "I would really love a newborn baby girl". So I stopped at Wal*Mart and went to the baby section. I picked out a cute little 0-3mo pink outfit and took it home. I put in the closet in the nursery and told God "fill 'er up!". I'm at peace with this (I hope I can maintain this) situation and process. I have no doubt that what ever child that God thinks is the most perfect* child in the world for us will make me so happy with delight at finally becoming a parent. I am going to try from this point on to stop putting parameters on my adoption prayers. No more tickers of how long we've waited, no more tickers on when I predict things will happen, no more saying "I'll just die if I have to pass another annisversary date without a baby in my arms". Ok, better said than done, but I'm going to really try. I have no idea when my prayer will be granted. I am going to put my energy in praying for our child. The right child for our family. Prayer for her parents that will have to make the hardest choice imaginable. Pray that I can hold on to hope a little while longer. I am no longer going to dictate where our child comes from. Yes, we are still in the China Program and we'll continue to pursue that avenue. However, my heart is open to any avenue, no matter how non-traditional, that will bring our family's child to us. So we move on from here with more determination and perseverence that one day, somehow, we *will* be parents of the most perfect child for us. Rhonda *perfect = the child that was meant to be ours

Praise You In This Storm

Praise You in This Storm words by Mark Hall/music by Mark Hall and Bernie Herms I was sure by now, God You would have reached down and wiped our tears away, stepped in and saved the day. But once again, I say amen and it's still raining as the thunder rolls I barely hear You whisper through the rain, "I'm with you" and as Your mercy falls I raise my hands and praise the God who gives and takes away. Chorus: And I'll praise you in this storm and I will lift my hands for You are who You are no matter where I am and every tear I've cried You hold in your hand You never left my side and though my heart is torn I will praise You in this storm I remember when I stumbled in the wind You heard my cry to You and raised me up again my strength is almost gone how can I carry on if I can't find You and as the thunder rolls I barely hear You whisper through the rain "I'm with you" and as Your mercy falls I raise my hands and praise the God who gives and takes away Chorus I lift my eyes unto the hills where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth I lift my eyes unto the hills where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth Chorus, Thank you, Amanda for showing me this song!

It's Over......

It's over....this isn't Sarah.

Legal and Social Services got involved and the hospital has asked Dr. C to bow out and the mother is going to Catholic Social Services.

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There's still a sliver of a hope. Not much, but I'm willing to chase it.

I contacted Catholic Social Services. Apparently the social worker remembers us, she was going through old applications and came across ours.

They do no allow you to dual in two programs. It's one of the other. I asked that if this mother does approach them, would they be willing to include us in the profile pool as we had been approached through our dr.

She is going to talk to her survisor and get back with us.

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According to the s/w (which I think is crap) is that b/c our h/s was "questionable" b/c it wasn't done by them and b/c we didn't have a profile at a moment's notice, we weren't allowed to be shown in this pool of profiles. Apparently the woman wants to pick a family this afternoon. How much ya wanna bet they didn't tell her that she could pursue us outside of CSS?

We've decided (after I've thrown a huge crying fit) that we are going to still talk to an adoption attorney, get a domestic h/s and put together a profile. That way if another baby falls in our lap, we can adopt her. We wonder, if maybe this was God's point? We haven't filled out all the paperwork? Though believe me, I'm pretty angry with Him at the moment as well.

MORE DETAILS!!!

More details.This was a delivery Dr. C did for another dr. She was on call. At lunch time (it's 10am now) Dr. C's nurse is going to talk to the mother and find out more information for us. From what I gather, Dr. C talked her into waiting a day before calling Catholic Social Services so we might have an opportunity (Dr. C ROCKS!!). This is the mother's 4th pregnancy. They are going to find out if she still has custody or if they are adopted as well. I'm sorry to say that's all I know at this point. I'm going insane with the wait as well!! I'll post more after we get a call back from Nurse C (Dr. C's nurse). So it'll be a few hours before I know anything more. We are currently seeking advice from legal counsel. As for China Adoption, if this finalizes, we'll put our adoption on hold. We have up to 6 months to reactivate if we decide to go for #2. I do have that wall up. It's the same wall as when you first learn you are pregnant. Until I have finalized papers, that wall will likely stay up. I am trying not to dwell on all the disappointments we've been dealt. I'm trying to have faith in God and faith in Dr. C that they both understand our Hx and they both feel this is an opportunity that we need to walk through. I know that we'll survive what every out come. BUT I DIDN"T READ THE NEWBORN BOOKS!!! What am I going to do with a newborn?? I didn't prepare for a newbow. OMG, the idea of sleep deprivation scares the hell out of me!!! The Nursery is still full of JUNK!!!! Crap, life certainly can change in an instant. Good thing we started making Gracie sleep downstairs a week ago. Whew!!! I'm trying to remember to breathe!!

THE CALL!!!!

I got a call this morning from Dr. C's Office Mgr at 7:30am. What would you say if I told you there might be a chance that Sarah Lyn has already arrived?? I don't have many details right now, but I really, really need your prayers!!! All I know is she was born yesterday, she appears healthy and the mother wants to give Dr. C's office priority before going to Catholic Social Services. OMG!! Our wait could almost be over!!

Please Pass the Cortisone Cream!!

ARGH!!! I forgot about the stickie on the nippies. Migod!! Where's the frickin' cortisone cream?? I hate my adhesive allergy sometimes. I also had to mark when the dimpling was, so I have an ink mark on my (.) Well, the bone scan was a piece of cake. Knew it would be. They said that if this scan shows normal bone density, I only need to return every 2 years even with the Methotrexate. They said that no more than once a year if Dr. C thinks that I need to be scanned more often. The mammogram wasn't that bad. The last slide was a zinger. Though putting it in persective with other procedures I've had, it really wasn't that bad. The tech wasn't a very talk person, so I really have no idea what was seen today. I'm guessing that Dr. C won't get anything until the end of the week b/c Regional didn't get the films over as I had requested. So I'm not getting my hopes up that I'll hear anything before next monday. Waiting, waiting, waiting. That's all I seem to do these days is hurry up and wait. Story of my life. Anyway, it's warmed up already today, so thinkin' I'm gonna regret my choice of clothing today. I've started the fans in my office, hopefully that will keep the heat out.

Wrestling the green monster again....

It seems that there's another rash of BFP's in my buddy groups again. I don't know why I struggle so much with this. One or two, I can usually handle, but it seems there's one or two every where I turn. Any these are buddies working on #2 or #3. Some are surprises and some were tearfully tried for. I just feel like I'm being left behind again. I know that I'm not and these are wonderful friends who I rejoice and lament with. Most of have been there for me in ways that I can never thank them enough. A few took a few minutes to talk to me before make the big announcement (this extra time of "proccessing" was greatly appreciated). I just struggle, b/c I wonder just how much longer before it's my turn? I also struggle b/c these are women, friends, confidante who are going to be so elated when my little Sarah comes home. So why do I feel so jealous that they are moving on to #2 or #3?? I feel so guilty for feeling as I do. I feel like I don't have the right when they've surpported me through so much crap. When they wait on baited breath, too for that special day when we finally know what Sarah will look like and the day I finally hold her in my arms. I just long for the day when I win the wrestling match with the green monster and never have to fight him over this again......

Weekend Update

I had another PT appointment today. It was a good. I can already tell the positive changes. Today we added weights. Yesterday I had the migraine from hell. Complete with . I have to say that the Fruity Cheerios are pretty good on the way down, but on the way back up is a whole other story indeed. It came on suddenly, too. I was reading journals and started feeling quezzy and then suddenly I had to toss the laptop in Keith's lap and race to the bathroom. I got there just in time. I also had a little white dog following me and quite interested in the whole process. Keith had to finally call her out of the bathroom so I could throw up in peace. Today is sunny for the 3rd day in a row, but it's chilly. I'm afraid that fall is around the corner. I have my mammogram and my bone density at 11am this morning. I've been going back and forth from "what if" to "it's nothing". I've been able to stay more on the "it's nothing" side this time around, but there's still that little part of me that wonders......

Sleeping through Saturday again.....

Today I woke up at 10am, but was still tired and was sore. I went downstairs to snuggle under my electric blanket and Keith made me a BLT Sandwich. I hadn't had one of those in a very long time. It was delicious. Then I checked my email and watched some Gilmore Girls. At about 12:30 I fell asleep and didn't wake up until 4pm. I showered and dressed and we drove to town and visited with Keith's Mom, SIL & Nephew. I had to take a percocet tonight. So I'm feeling MUCH better.

Iditarod Legend Susan Butcher Dies

I was stunned to hear the news today that Susan Butcher lost her battle against leukemia. My heart breaks for her family. This is a sad loss for them, their friends, and Alaska fans of the Iditarod. My first memories of the Iditarod were in 1986 when Susan won for the first time. She wasn't the first lady to win (Libby Riddle won in 1985), but she went on to win FOUR times in a row and dominated a sport that women were only a precious few. A joke in Alaska is that it's a place where "men are men and women win the Iditarod!". Susan is one of the reasons we say that. Since then, I have sparodically followed the Iditarod and have in the past eight years become a die hard fan. Since Susan left in the mid-90's, I cheer for Dee Dee Jonrowe, who is a cancer survivor. My God bless Susan's family and bring the peace and comfort during their time of loss. Iditarod Legend Susan Butcher Dies of Leukemia By CRAIG MEDRED Anchorage Daily News Published: August 5, 2006 Last Modified: August 5, 2006 at 09:21 PM Far from her Alaska home and the dogs she loved so much, four-time Iditarod champion Susan Butcher died Saturday in a Seattle hospital. She was 51 years old and the mother of two young daughters. She had been waging a battle against leukemia for a year and a half, but sometimes not even the toughest warriors can win. Butcher was one of those warriors. A child of the American upper middle class, she turned her back on the civilized world of Cambridge, Mass., to carve out a niche for herself and her beloved dogs in a cold, difficult corner of Bush Alaska. Through her 20s and into her 30s, she lived an almost cloistered existence in the Interior with her life dedicated to one seemingly impossible goal, winning the Iditarod Trail Sled Dog Race. She spent days on end on the runners of a dogsled following huskies through the frozen taiga and barren wilderness north of Fairbanks. “I like spending a lot of time alone,’’ she told a writer for the Daily News’ old Sunday magazine “We Alaskans’’ back in 1981. She was then 27 years old and already an Iditarod contender, though it would still be five long and difficult years before the breakthrough Iditarod victory of 1986. By then, she had joined forces with Dave Monson, a one-time lawyer, a fellow dog musher, and a soul mate Together, the duo would team to dominate the Iditarod. Butcher was the driving force behind their Trailbreaker Kennels, and the face of the business. Monson was the organizer and administrator, the behind-the-scenes player who held everything together. They were married in 1985. Butcher won the first of her four Iditarods the next year. She would go on to win four more in the next five years -- the most impressive string of victories in Iditarod — history — before making the decision to retire and start a family. At the height of her success, she was so well known she almost became synonymous with the 49th state. Alaskans talking to strangers while traveling Outside would often be met with the refrain, “Oh Alaska, isn’t that where that woman always wins the dogsled race?’’ “That woman” was Butcher, and though she eventually retired from the sport, she was never far away. She bred, raised and trained sled dogs, and she several times assisted various news organizations as a color-commentator covering the race. Mainly, though, she focused the latter part of her life on being a mother. She and Monson had two daughters. They named them both for places in Alaska. Tekla is now 10; Chisana is 5. They moved to Seattle with their parents when Butcher’s leukemia forced her back into the hospital in late June. Only a month earlier, after a bone marrow transplant, she had looked to be on her way to beating the disease first diagnosed in December 2005. But her condition took a turn for the worse when she suffered graft versus host disease, a complication of the bone-marrow transplant in which the immune system from the donor starts attacking the organs of the host. Dr. Jan Abkowitz said Saturday that after a stem-cell transplant May 16, Butcher’s graft-versus-host-disease attacked her digestive system. “Then to our dismay and surprise, about a week ago, when we did a routine bone marrow test, we found that her leukemia had come back,” Abkowitz said. Butcher received chemotherapy for the leukemia and was moved to intensive care Friday at the University of Washington Medical Center. “At the time she had the transplant, her leukemia was in remission. She was feeling absolutely fine,” Abkowitz said. She had hoped to undergo another bone-marrow transplant and try again. Monson was at her side, as he has always been for the past 21 years, when she died Saturday. News of her death hit hard in Alaska. Throughout her illness, Monson has maintained a moving and forthright on-line blog to keep every one up-to-date on her condition. It was often movingingly and painfully honest about her condition as the cancer ravaged the body Butcher once fought so hard to toughen. In her competitive days, she trained herself as hard or harder than her dogs. There was probably never a musher more deserving of the honor of being considered “the toughest dog in the team.’’ Everyone in and around the sport of long-distance mushing knew that of Butcher. “Today is a very sad day for the Iditarod Trail Sled Dog Race, for all Alaskans, and for every person who has been touched by Susan Butcher,’’ the Iditarod said in a message posted on the race website. “She will be greatly missed.” Race marshal Mark Nordman, a personal friend, found it difficult to believe she had died. “I think everyone felt like Susan was such a fighter in the Iditarod that, well, of course Susan Butcher is going to beat this,’’ he said when reached on his cell phone. “That’s how everyone felt, but the Lord didn’t let it happen that way.’’ Nordman was at Iditarod headquaters in Wasilla Saturday making calls around the world to notify mushers of what had happened. It was not an easy thing to do, nor headquarters an easy place to be. “Of course, the first thing you see is Susan and Joe (Redington Sr.) climbing Denali and the champion pictures and everything. It’s just sad. It’s a part of history that has left us. “It will take a little while for it all to soak in.” The late Joe Redington, the father of the Iditarod, climbed Mount McKinley with legendary guide Ray Genet and photographer Rob Stapleton in 1979. Genet later froze to death near the summit of Mount Everest. Cancer got Redington in 1997, and now Butcher. Nordman described her as one of the greatest ambassadors of sled dog sports. She’s the one people always ask about, he said. “She’s left a mark on the sport for sure,’’ he said. “On dog care, there was no one finer. “We knew she was on the biggest battle imaginable, but I think it came as a surprise to everyone that it came especially when it did.” The race’s spokesperson Chas St. George, said in a phone interview that the race and mushing community would be honoring Susan in some way. “First and foremost, we will follow David’s lead. This is an absolutely phenomenal family. We really do need to respect the path they will choose in how to deal with this.” “She was a very close friend to a lot of folks, to a lot of mushers.” Daily News Outdoor editor Craig Medred can be reached at cmedred@adn.com. Daily News reporter Megan Holland and The Associated Press contributed to this story.

Day Four

I had to take Indomethacin (Rx strength NSAID) at 3 pm yesterday, but worked great and I'm still feeling great today. Let's keep it coming.

Day Three IN A ROW - no pain

So far I've been painfree today. Today is Day three. IN A ROW!!!8 weeks 1 day since I started Methotrexate injections and Hydroxycholorquine tablets. hard that this is a new beginning of a life pain free or at least hardly any pain.

Well, I'm in shock today.

I went to my GYN to have her take a look at my right breast where I had a core needle biopsy. During my last two SBE, I've notice that the right side squares off. I seriously thought she'd look at it, say it's from the CNB and send me on my way. Instead, I'm getting another Mammogram (joy of all joys) and being referred to a general surgeon for a second opinion. She doesn't know what to make of it. There is no lump and the area is discolored which is said appears to be "tissue death". This dr. has been with me for the whole odyssey of the last four years. We are naming our daughter after her. If she wrinkles her brow, I know she's serious, so I'm trying not to read too much into this. It could still just be nothing. Anyway, part of me keeps waiting for the other shoe to drop and derail our adoption. Some days, that's what makes waiting so hard--knowing that it's so far out and there is so many things to go wrong. Argh!! I've been disappointed so many times that keeping the flame of hope burning is tough. Almost like having green wood.

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Evening Post: However, let's look at what was good about today? TWO DAYS IN A ROW WITH NO PAIN PILLS!! I was sore when I went to bed last night. It rained in the evening. It was more sore when pressure was on the joints, but not bad. I still took an NSAID to bring down the inflammation.I'm hangin' on to that.

A poem that spoke to me...

GOD'S GRACE I did not know His love before The way I know it now I could not see my need for Him My pride would not allow. I had it all, without a care The “self-sufficient” lie My path was smooth, my sea was still Not a cloud was in my sky. I thought I knew His love for me I thought I’d seen His grace I thought I did not need to grow I thought I’d found my place. But then the way grew rough and dark The storm clouds quickly rolled The waves began to rock my ship I found I had no hold. The ship that I had built myself Was made of foolish pride It fell apart and left me bare With nowhere else to hide. I had no strength or faith to face The trials that lay ahead And so I simply spoke His name And bowed my weary head. His loving arms enveloped me And then He helped me stand He said, “You still must face this storm But I will hold your hand.” So through the dark and lonely night He guided me through pain I could not see the light of day Or when I’d smile again. Yet through the pain and endless tears My faith began to grow I could not see it at the time But my light began to glow. I saw God’s love in a brand new light His grace and mercy, too. For only when all self was gone Could Jesus’ love shine through. - Author Unknown -

Doin' better today....

I'm doing better emotionally and a little bit better physically. I had a hard time going to sleep again b/c of the pain. I had to take a lunest and turn on the Gilmore Girls and sleep on the couch. However, today I haven't had to take any pain meds. My lower back is a little bit sore, but slouching hasn't helped I'm sure. This was the shortest "flare up" yet. There's hope!!! I overslept again. K won't be very pleased, but at this point I really could care less. He's one of the obstacles as to why I can't take stronger pain killers unless I'm practically insane with pain. But that's another long story. I laid there crying myself to sleep last night thinking about how undertreated chronic pain is. It's ludacrous!!

Re-do post

After such a downer post, I feel that I should really post something more positive. My PT appt went very well. I have a PT intern from Germany. Her name is the same as my soon-to-be niece, Christiane. She is very nice. Her "mentor" is very nice as well. He is very thorough with her, but thinks he's a comedian. I can't tell if she find this annoying or not, but he kept calling her "frauline". Anyway, Dr. Tan Rx'd 6-8 weeks of therapy at 3x a week. The eval today indicated that my left muscles are still weak, but also that my pelvis tips too far forward and my hip muscles are too tight. So my therapy is going to be workingn on those areas and that will promote better posture and translate to less back/neck pain. They will also help me set up an exercise and strengthening routine to prepare me for Sarah's arrival and to keep fit without causing further damage to my inflammed joints. Rhonda

Three years and still

not pain free or have a baby. July 30, 2003 I got my first and only BFP and I still frickin' live with chronic pain and I still am waiting for a baby. When will I finally be let out of this living hell?? I can't help but feel how frickin' unfair this is and how frickin' much it sucks. The way adoption timeline is looking, I could still be at this a year from now. I don't know if I emotionally or mentally have the strength to make it through year four without a baby. Especially if I'm still dealing with chronic pain. I had my PT eval today. I'll go 3x a week. They found many things wrong pelvic wise that will be worked on to help relieve my lower back pain. They also will work on teh cervical spine as well. Rhonda

So far, so good!!!

So far today I haven't needed any pain meds. Not even an NSAID. Is this the beginning of the end? Do I dare hope?

Hiding under our oak table....

We had an earthquake this morning. I would have slept right through had Keith not come flying down the stairs with Gracie hollering "Get under the table!". We sat for a bit under that table at 5am to see if there would be any after shocks but there weren't. It feels like a dream to me b/c it fit right into my dreams at the time, hence why I would have kept on sleeping. It was 4.8 and 11 miles deep and 11 miles away.

And time slooooooooows down...

CCAA only got through a couple of weeks of referrals. They are only through July 13, 2005!!! We are only two months in and I'm already going in sane. I'm gonna be certifiable by the time we actually get my referral info. The men in white coats will be dragging me off as my husband travels to pick up our daughter. Please, please God, help CCAA move faster. Please!!!

Charlotte's Blog...

This cracked me up. I had to share.

Pretty decent day...

Not too sore today. Had a great babyshower for a co-worker at lunch today. She's in her early 20's and newly married. She's the cutest PG lady I've ever seen. LOL!! She was pretty fit when she got PG and she's only gained what she needed for the baby and that's it. Poor thing is lookin' exhausted and sore--so ready to have the baby. She got lots of cute things. A gorgeous afgan and quilt, too.

Grrrrr....!

Well, this morning got off on a bad start. Overslept b/c I was hurting and laying there waiting for the Indocin to kick in. Got here at 10am which means I now have to work until 7pm. *sigh* I dropped Gracie off at doggie daycare aka Nana & Pa's house aka Keith's parents. They have a maltese as well, Nony, and so the two love to play together. Now I don't have to worry about getting home after work to potty Gracie and then feel guilty about putting her back in her digs and heading to church. This way she gets to be loved on and play all day. My left wrist feels like it's broken and is radiating up my arm. Grrrr!! The have another low front on it's way in. I remember a time when I loved rainy days, now I hate them. Rhonda

Today isn't so bad.

Tired, but not falling asleep at my desk. Not real sore either. Keith has the day off. The bum. He's leaving for a conference Saturday and it starts on Sunday, so this is his day off to compensate. It's a sunny day, so he picked a good one. It's lunch time. I didn't bring a lunch, so I have to figure out what I want for lunch. Decisions, Decisions. Rhonda

Sigh...

Headache, but no migraine. Still sore, but not as bad as yesterday. Didn't sleep well last night. *sigh* I've decided to get a referral to the Spine Institute. They lease a building here on campus, so it's convenient. The are mult-disciplinary, which is good. They offer physical therapy and I figure it would be good to learn what exercises will best help me and to correctly learn to do weights in preparation of Ladybug's 15-20lb arrival. I now stretching will be very beneficial for pain relief and keeping range of motion.

It's a "don't touch me" day.

I woke up with a migraine (the new meds were 95% effective) and my WHOLE body hurts. I don't even want to be touched is how bad I hurts. Every square inch, including my joints hurt like the dickens today. I couldn't drag my butt out of bed until 11am and didn't get to work until 12:15pm. *sigh* I'm working only 6 hours today. Maybe I can make them up over the course of the week. I can't believe I hurt so bad today. Yesterday was AWESOME and I didn't over do it. I just don't understand. There is no rhyme or reason to all this.

Gilmore Girl: Season 6

Releases September 19th!!!

Is God not hearing you?

Taken from my God's Daily Promises email: Why are you crying out to me? Tell the people to get moving! Exodus 14:15 NLT When God waits There are a lot of why questions that we lift up to God. Every day people are looking to heaven and crying out in frustration, "Lord, why aren't you doing something about this? Why is this happening to me?" We saturate the airwaves with the why questions of life. I'm convinced that God has one answer for almost every one of those questions. He says, I'm just waiting on you. When Moses and the Israelites stood on the edge of the Red Sea watching the Egyptian army close in on them, they cried out to God in fear. They began praying that God would somehow rescue them. And look what God said: "Tell the people to get moving!" (Exodus 14:15). To paraphrase, "I'm just waiting for you." Too often we spend our days waiting for a miracle. When trouble comes, we cry out to God for help. When things don't move fast enough, we blame God for taking his time. And all the while God is saying to us, I haven't gone anywhere. I'm just waiting on you. And what is it that God is waiting for? Often he is waiting for us to lay aside our own agenda and trust him.…Whenever God waits, he waits for a purpose. And when we finally come to our senses and do the thing that we know he wants us to do, he moves with a vengeance. The Red Sea parts, and things start to happen. From a devotional thought by Frank M. Martin in Embracing Eternity (Tyndale House) p 289

Special Friends...

Just when you think you're in the home stretch.....

Today is a bad day. I spent most of the morning in bed with joint pain. My back is still pretty sore. I'm only working 4 hours and working the evening to get them. *sigh* I had my follow up visit about the CT scan. Normal. Bloodwork results. Normal. No idea what's triggering the migraines. She gave me samples of Relpax to see if they work. She wanted me to try it last time but she was out of samples and tried Maxalt inside--they didn't work. I'm also being referred to a ANP who used to work under a Neurologist and specilizes in headaches. She apparently has a very tedious and lengthy process for pin pointing migraine triggers. This will be a good appointment. My hematocrit came back in the normal range. Woohoo!! I hadn't been taking the iron supplements b/c of the GI issues the Methotrexate was causing. Nice to know that I don't have to take them if I don't want to (though I will since I found some digestable ones yesterday). My platlets were high which this thinks could have been dehydration (not enough water that day) and my sugars were high and thinks that is b/c it was 6:30pm. She just wants a copy of my blood work from Dr. T next month (I also requested that she send these results to Drs. T & C).

Not engaging the brain gets you in hot water....

Well, I did a horrible, rotten, no good thing last night. I vented via email to my mother. Then I accidently sent it to my sister. :o I can't believe I did that. I fill lower than dirt about it. Yeah I was peterbed by the word "languish", but I never, ever meant for her to know how much. I seriously only vented to my mom so that she could 1) sympathize (you know how nice that is now and then) and 2) help me word it so my sister could understand I'm coming from while still acknowleging where she's coming. Well, I shot that all to hell. My sister is likely pretty :tickedoff: at me right now. Can I blame her? No. I'd feel the same if I were in her shoes. While I still feel that an email without the word "languish" would have been received by Keith and I in a much better light, I don't feel she deserved the on slaught she got from my email (that should have gone to my mother). *sigh* I pray that at some point she can understand what lead to that email and forgive me for my words. I can't take them and I can't make the hurt got away. All I can do is apologize for the hurt they caused, explain myself and ask her to forgive my fool heartiness. I should know that you don't send an email that you don't want the world to read.

No headaches today!!

Today is a GREAT day!! No headache. Slept great. Not tired. I even complete dried and curled my hair this morning. WOOHOO!!! More days like this would be great!!

Another frickin' all day migraine!!!!!

I couldn't even get up to go to church. Shoot, I barely even remember DH leaving for church. It's down to just a headache now. Please dear Jesus, I pray they'd find a solution to all this.

Household items....

OMG!! We fell into the greatest deal today!! Keith and I have been looking for 6.5 yrs for just the right dinette set and we've never found what we were looking for. Today we were offered a good friend's set for only $750 (seats 8) for $750. There is *no way* we could buy a new table for that and this is THE table we've been looking for. It's in excellent condition and even has a custom made mat to put on it for protecting the table from scratches when you are not eating. THEN....she mentioned she was selling her king size bed. Now you all know that we *need* that when Sarah comes. The whole set (two dressers) was only $450 (I think she cut the price a little, but she wouldn't agree to a higher price). The box spring, frame and dressers are in great condition and the mattress is NEW! Shoot, you can't even buy a new *twin* mattress for that kind of a deal!! This cleans out our house account, but they are purchases we were saving for so that's ok. We have $$ direct deposited each pay period, so we'll save it back up again. I can't WAIT until I can sleep with enough room to not have Keith's elbow in my face every night. He'd be upset if he knew that the reason I move to the couch on some night is because he keeps waking me up and I can't get back to sleep b/c of the pain. I tell him it's b/c of the pain, but I don't tell him that he's usually waking me up.

Adoption Fluff

Because I'm too lazy.....adoption fluff is over on the adoption blog. Our Journey to China

Nothing much to add for today.

Went to bed with a raging headache and woke up with one. Finally at 10am I went back to bed and slept until 2pm. Finally it's mostly gone. Joints are a little more sore than they have been. Not sure if it's a flare up or just laying around all day. Off ot Home Depot to look at paint chips and then the Saturday Market to get some dried Dill Weed. Maybe the walking will help.

Migraines forever??!! This is so unfair!

Well, had the CT Scan today. Pretty quick. It's nice working next to the hospital. The scan itself was only 5 minutes. Dr. Tan's receptionist called me back and relayed from Dr. T that migraines are a part of Spondyloarthritis? WHAT?! You freakin' mean I have to live with these FOREVER?! It's just not fair. What the hell did I ever do to warrant this crap??

Prepping...

I moved to the couch at 1am with heartburn. Took a nexium and mylanta. Moved back to bed at 4:30 after Gracie woke me up digging around and I scared me half to death thinking it was a shrew b/c I couldn't see her. I finally realized it was her. Brat. I'm feeling pretty good today. The Ultram seems to be effective on the headaches. We'll see how today goes.

---

You all will be proud of me. I prepped my needle in front of the computer (no air bubbles) and gave myself the shot without even thinking about it. The s/e are getting better. It's been a month already. I'm feeling more of the benefits too. We switched my NSAID from Clinoril to Indomethacin which works better. I'm getting more and more good days and the bad days are not debilitating. I found taking my Hydroxychloroquine with milk staves off the stomach ache. I was taking it with food (which I still do), but found adding milk works much, much better. That's it. I need to head to bed. I figured you all would like to hear good news about me rather than the usual downer fare I dish out. BTW, my CT scan is tomorrow at 9:20am. it doesn't show a thing.

Nursery Fluff!

This is the quilt that my MIL found at a garage sale. It's going to be the nursery colors and theme. The blue back ground has bumble bees, daisies, and ladybugs. I also have Boyd bears that I've collected over the years. So I'm going to do the bottom half of the walls in that blue and the top half white. I haven't decided if the chair rails will be white or red. My accent colors will be red and other colors that might go with the decor as it develops.

Headaches and Migraines, UGH!

I went back to the clinic today and saw Jill again. She's concened about the headaches being different thought I've dealt with headaches/migraines all my life. She really doesn't feel comfortable writing this off and "normal considereing Hx", so she has order tests to be sure it's "par for the course for me". She had my Comprehensive Metabolic Panel and my CBC down today. It's a little over a week earlier than when Dr. Tan wanted it done, but she said that should be ok and they can forward the results to her. Jill also would like to have a CT Scan run. She says that based on her experience of finding small benign tumors before they cause irreversible damage make her wary of not doing the exam. This way we'll know for sure if we can write the headaches off as s/e of Hydroxychloroquine or the just normal for me. I agreed. I still figure it's a s/e or normal, but I just want something to make it go away. She ok'd me to try the Ultram for the headaches. Not 100% effective by better than anything else I've tried, so I'll stick with it for a while and see what happens. *sigh* We must have some whopper of a blessing coming our way for me to be hit so hard with so much in such a short time. Makes me wonder if God is preparing us for twin. Ok, off to bed. I'm going to try to stay in the bed all night and not move to the couch. It would be nice to sleep the whole night in my bed. Wish me luck.

Today is a GREAT Day!! I can sit, type and walk!!

Oh what a zipadeedodah (sp?) day!! I hardly hurt at all today. I can sit, type and walk. Oh how wonderful!!! Now to get cracking on my office projects and get a bunch done today. I hope this is the beginning of the end. Please oh Please!! Let me have *more* days like this!! I didn't sleep all that well last night. I kept waking up. But surprisingly, I'm not tired. Go figure. I did take my Hydrochloroquine earlier in the evening and I think that helped with the morning grogginess I was having. The nausea side-effect didn't show up last night, so maybe I'm adjusting? I cancelled my trip with DH to Kentucky on Saturday. I was too sore, too exhausted, and too nauseated to make a 14hr flight. DH said that the fancy dinner wouldn't have been enjoyable for me. They had "all you can eat" shrimp, crab and lobster. I don't even think I could have sat in the room with that much shellfish. I keep coming across things that tell me that my decision to stay home was a very good one. Tonight I'm invited over to MIL/FIL's for elk. YUM!! Elk is better than venison and buffalo. They only get a limited amount from MIL's cousin each year and they only share a little bit, so it's an honor to be invited to help eat it. My mouth is just watering

We have a Dx & a Treatment Plan

ANSWER: Spondyloarthritis with possible psoriatic variant TREATMENT PLAN: 0.6cc Methotrexate (low lose of a chemo drug) weekly sub-cutaneous, 200 mcg Folate daily, 200mg Hydroxychloroquine (anti-malarial drug) daily. Clinoril as needed (and hopefully not need Ultram, Cymbalta, or Percocet soon). I'm still learning what this is b/c I skipped over it in my research. Guess that's why I'm not the dr., huh. Anyhoooo, she picked out all the spots on the x-rays that told her what she needed to know. Boy, once she pointed them out I was like , I didn't see that before. Based on my negative RA & ANA tests, patient history and clinical exam, she says Spondyloarthritis. She said that it is often mistaken for Fibromyalgia b/c it cause tendinitis near the pressure points used to Dx Fibro. She will wean me off the Cymbalta once we are confident the treatment plan is working. I might request to stay on a lose dose until after the adoption/post-adoption let down have passed. I think I still need the extra boost emotionally (especially after last week/weekend). I am to start to wean off the Ultram and try to only do the Clinoril. She upped my Clinoril to 3x daily for a week and if my left elbow and hip don't improve she wants to do a corticosteriod shot ( !). We did catch this early enough to hopefully delay further joint damage and to prevent future joint damage. The goal is to get the inflammation down and keep it down. From what I gather, remission is when the inflammation stays down (Tracie/Karrie/Heather correct me if I'm wrong). This is a progressive auto-immune disease, but Dr. Tan seemed to think that we caught it early enough and there are enough treatments out or coming out to help keep things under control. The caveat is that to accomplish this, they have to dink with my immune system. Oh joy of all joys. Methotrexate will somehow suppress and tweek my immune system to get it to calm down. Really don't quite understand how all this works, but I will be learning soon, that's for sure. She gave me the first shot today and showed both Keith & I how to do the shot. I think I can do it myself, wasn't too bad. At least it's not 50x a day. If not, I'll just visit friends in the medical community once a week. Hey, Tracie/Karrie/Heather can I come live with you? Good thing I have no uterus, so we don't have to worry about prenancy issues. I will have b/w every at 6 and 12 weeks to make sure that my bone marrow isn't screwing up my blood cells. Ah, the risks and benefits. At this point I'm thinking the benefits out weigh the risks. As Dr. Chester said, we might not like the Dx, but at least we have a treatment plan. I might be doin' marathons come September (by my birthday!!)!!!! {fingers crossed/praying} Just think, I could be in remission and doin' fine when I hold Sarah for the first time. Now wouldn't that be a wonderful experience. Rhonda

Today we hit a wall.

Today we hit a wall. I was so sore from my activities yesterday (we assume) and didn't want to go to church and spend 2 hours sitting in a hard chair. Plus my fingers and wrists hurt and I really didn't feel up to playing the piano. Keith is so tired of watching me suffer. He's also loosing patience in waiting for answers to my pain and when Sarah will finally be in our arms. He got really upset today--even cried. We both are at the point where we don't understand what to pray for anymore. We don't seem to get answers to the pain and estimates for the China program are sooooooooo long. So Keith called our pastor and told him that we were tired and wouldn't be coming to church. He explained a little of what we are going through spiritually and emotionally. Pastor reminded him that we would go through this with or without God, but without God would have been worse. He also told us to read Hebrews today. Keith did. I didn't. I already knew that he wanted to us to read Chapter 11 and I know that it says (taught enough sunday school not to). We are just spent. We are tired of being strong. We have *nothing* give anyone anymore. We've been actively trying to have a child for 3+ years and we toyed around with it for a couple years prior to that. It just doesn't make sense why we should got through so much when the answers could be so easy. In Keith's mind is that every time we appear to get closer to have a baby, I start hurting more. We take care of the pain and try again and I hurt more. It's a never ending cycle. The Endo progressed. I had Lap #2. We TTC and got PG. We m/c'd. The pain got worse. I had Lap #3. We didn't get PG. We did IF treatments. The pain got worse. I had Lap #4. We tried Lupron. The pain got worse. I had Lap #5 with a hysterectomy. There was still intense pain. I had Radio Frequency Nerve Ablation. We start the paperchase to adopt from China. Before completing RFNA (which was finally successful) chronic joint pain set in and has continued to worsen. We got through our homestudy and got our paperwork off to China. The pain continues to interfere with my job and my activities. No one has answers. No one can figure out how to *consistantly* control the pain. The China Program's waiting time has DOUBLED. So here we are....I hurt like hell and we don't have a baby. I just can't understand why pain relief and a baby in our arms is such an impossible request to fill. How much are we to endure? What are we to learn about all this? Is it supposed to make us more grateful? WE ARE GRATEFUL!! We understand the miracle and blessings of raising children. WE ARE READY!! Are we supposed to be going through this to minister to others? HAVEN'T WE BEEN THROUGH ENOUGH TO ACCOMPLISH THAT? It all just seems too much and too unfair. I just want to kick and scream and throw a big temper tantrum in front of the throne of God until He relieves my pain and brings "the right child in the right time". *sigh*

Weekend hopes vs. Weekend reality....

We didn't finish the project Friday. *sigh* So I couldn't accompany DH to Seward this weekend. Oh well, I was so sore and tired today, I didn't get out of bed until 3pm. I woke up once when Pastor E called to let me know that since he can't get a firm head count, we'll go head with potluck since not every knows about the change he wanted to make this month. I thought I just sleep a few more minutes and get up and shower. Next thing I know, it's 3pm!! I've spent the rest of the day on the couch. I get up periodically and walk around the house since inactivity makes things stiff and sore. I had to medicate with a higher dosage of Percocet than I have in a while. *sigh* I so wish they'd find answers to all this crap. Poor, poor Gracie was forced to stay in the bedroom while I slept. She had a potty pad, but she hates to use it, so she was flying down the stairs when I finally rolled out of bed. That poor dog. I left the back door open so she could lay out in the sun this afternoon. Once the sun was no longer in the back yard, she started laying in sun spots in the house. It was hilarious to watch her move every time the sun spot moved. Silly dog. I didn't make it to work today, obviously, so I really have to go in tomorrow--no if, ands or buts about it. I so hope that Monday goes better.

RA Test Results Are In....

None of the bloodwork indicates RA. So either I'm so early, they can't tell or it's viral. Still no definative answers to my joint pain. *sigh* ESR = Normal ANA = Negative Hep C = Negative (thank GOD!) CCP = Normal RF = 5 CBD - Hematocrit = 34.9% (normal = 35-45%) - Hemoglobin = Normal - WBC = Normal X-Rays - Hands = Normal - Feet = Normal - Chest = Normal

New "Maternity" Wear

Rheumatologist Appointment

What a day. Rheumatoid Arthritis isn't ruled in and isn't ruled out. It's the path she's going down though. She's repeating the RA Factor, ESR, C-Reactive Protein and ANA tests. It will be interesting to see if there is an increase since the last tests 5 months ago. The other bloodwork is Complete Metabolic Panel (I think this kidney/liver function and they do it before my surgeries), CBD (Diff/PLt), CK, Total; CCP AB IGG, Hepatitus C Viruse (Keith says I'm fine unless I've been swapping blood with anyone ). Then the fabulous PIAC for a complete urinalysis (ack! I ate a poppy seed muffin for breakfast! ). She agreed with the new treatment plan. She said that if the Clinoril doesn't provide relief, she'll do an injection when I see her next time. Man I hope the Clinoril works. I did pat myself on the back for finding my own NSAID though. She said that my elbow pain is more like tennis elbow and my hip pain is more like bursitis? Anyway, I'm so luck to never have just *one* thing going on at a time. NOT! I do like the Rheumy. She is very nice, thorough, listens, compassionate and included Keith in our discussions. I was glad to have him along b/c he was able to shed light on a few things or "rat" on me in other things. She was very interested when he said that I move to the couch some nights, that I had an unknown rash, whether Prednisone helped at all (couldn't say b/c we were in California the next day), etc. She even asked him about different things that *he* might have noticed. I will be getting x-rays done on my hands and feet to see if there is any noticable inflammation/damage to the joints. She also wants a chest x-ray in case there are other medications that she might need to Rx (this was an addition as I was walking out--kinda scary to think what meds would require a baseline lung x-ray. ). I walked away feeling like we'll never figure this out and I'll have to deal with it forever. I keep feeling like I'm chasing a ghost. Only I can tell it there, but no one can find proof.........

I got an appointment!!!!

The rheumatologist herself called and offered me a cancelled appointment for tomorrow!!!

Alienating Friends....

Well, today I alienating a whole group of friends. I still feel that my feelings were justified, but my way of expressing them was totally wrong. I said and did somethings that I regret. Me and my big mouth. Xc: I've been feeling over that last few months that anything I post in the group was either ignored or just plain not worthy of comment to those reading/lurking. I really tried not to let it get to me. I figured that ppl may not have the time to post to all the threads. As time trucked along, I began to notice it more and more. I continued to try to not take it personally. Then someone who rarely posts comes and posts a surprise BFP and even the *lurkers* come out of the wood work to congratulate her. I tried to suck it up, but when I posted an update to the thread that I was updating about our China Adoption that we were FINALLY DTc, no one replied. I continued to watch it drop to the bottom of the pile. Again, I assumed that maybe they thought it was a dead thread and weren't checking it anymore and someone posted that an "It's may, let's update". I posted again thinking for sure this would be a response. Two ppl responded. I knew those who didn't were reading threads b/c they were responding to other threads. I finally decided that maybe that thread was a dead thread and so I finally posted an AAM thread detailing my excitment about our DTC and what we did to celebrate and what were planning to start working on. I had tried not to be "hey look at me", but decided that I was just too excited to wait to be noticed. The next day there was *no* replies. So I deleted it. I figured that I left links in the other two posts to my blogs, so they could look there. Considering that most are 3 to 4 hours a head of me, by the time I checked it was afternoon for most. Therefore I figured that either nobody read it or it just wasn't worth their time. Considering other thread were posted I decided it was the former. It got noticed that I deleted it and asked where it went. I said in my adoption blog. No one even asked for the link or even checked the links page. So I figured it certainly wasn't that important to anyone. When pressed as to why I moved it (funny that it gets noticed *after* it's deleted) I finally came out and said that my feelings were hurt. In return I was told that I only had the thread up for a day. I pointed out it was the THIRD attempt to share my excitment and it wasn't responded to until *after* moved it to my blog. In return I was again told that I only left that thread up a day and moving it was immature. It may have been. I would gather my approach sucked. I just wish they could have looked beyond that and tried to understand why I was upset. I suppose it might have been easier had I not put them on the defensive first. Either way, I now feel that I've alienated them when I just wanted them to understand. To understand that I am PREGNANT. I may not be physically pregnant, but I am indeed pregnant with the wait for a child. I just don't have a belly growing or OB appts. I don't even know WHEN my pregnancy will end. Instead when the BFP was posted it was commented that we "finally have a PG person". That just added salt to an already festering would. I tried to talk it over with a friend and try not to take it personal, but I just couldn't let it go. I wanted them to understand that each stage is important and while they may not understand everything, that I need them to ooh and aah even if there is nothing tangible to ooh and aah over. The latest update was as big as the BIG u/s or getting a BFP. I needed them to come out of the woodwork and rejoice with me. Our documents were finally in China. We were finally in China's system to get our baby. WE PASSED!!! We are getting a baby!!! We are now in the 2nd trimester. I see the others getting kudos for OB appts. Entired threads started ot ooh and aah over bellies or babies. I may be selfish but I WANT THAT TOO. Why is it wrong to want that? I've given up so much of my dream, what can't I enjoy all the privelages that prenant women are afforded? My monthly updates are "we're still waiting and when don't know what it'll end". Pregnant women get to update prenatal appointments, belly pictures, and a COUNT DOWN. They KNOW when it's ending. They know when to start the nursery. They know when to have the baby shower, when to buy the announcements, when to start buying clothes (and what season to buy them for). All I get to do is wait. Waiting sucks when there's nothing to hold on to. I need to be reminded when the road is so long that it does have an ending even if I can't see it. Instead, I've just created a wall between me and some friends that mean a lot to me. Simply because I didn't consider my actions or my words. *sigh* I'm such an idiot--I just wish they could also look beyond my stupidity and give me a hug right now. Of course, why would they after my thoughtless words? I'm not sure I would. So that's how I alienated my friends. I guess I'm not much of a friend myself.

A game plan....

Here's the game plan and I hope it works: I can take up to 200mg of Ultram ER a day (opiate agonist--works like an opiate but contains no opiates) I can supplement up to 400mg of Clinoril a day (NSAID approved for long term use for acute/chronic pain) I found this and told Celeste who took it to Dr. Chester. Dr. C said she likes patient who do their research. I have a Rx for Percocet to take for the break through pain. It is a secondary treatment and only for when the to primary drugs aren't effective (basically on the bad days). I let Celeste know that this weekend and today were good days (today being the best) so I might be inbetween flare ups. I have know idea for how long, but I'll enjoy it while it lasts that's for sure. Keith is better this time about going back to the narcotic. He can see that Dr. Chester and I tried to get me on to another treatment plan, so he really can't say much at this point. Which makes me wish less often that he could spend a day or two in my body

Happy Women's Day!

My m/c buddy group changed Mother's Day to Women's Day a few years ago. We had decided that we *all* were mothers yet our children were in heaven. We also decided that there should a Women's Day that celebrates all women. To add to this, we do a secret buddy exchange and we send a "pamper" gift that is taylored to the one receiving the gift (for some it's bath stuff and others a day at B&N). We really enjoy doing this. This year one my secret buddy gave me a therapeudic pillow with lavender and chamomille in it. You heat it up in the microwave or put it in the freezer. Oh, what relief to put it on my lower back and take my hip pain down a few notches!! Rhonda

The Pharmacy Dropped the Ball!!

Well ladies I found out today that Dolobid (NSAID) is discontinued. Now mind you, they got the Rx from my dr. on WED. Had they been more on the ball, they would have learned this on Thur when my dr.'s office was still open. No, they find this out on FRI when my dr.'s office is closed. You can bet I'll be on the horn first thing Monday morning talking to my Dr.'s office. This is just rediculous! I told the pharmacist that now I know why many chronic pain sufferers stick with narcotics--they are easier to get. Today was in the low-60's and sunny. Just a gorgeous day!! I spent a few hours with MIL and ran some errands. It was a pretty good Saturday in spite of the Pharmacy. Wal*Mart had CSI: Season 1 on sale for $20, so guess what I'm watching. We got a package from WACAP!! Of course it includes a bill for the Dossier Prop. Anyway, it has a list of ppl in our dossier group. Agencies try to send groups over to China by dossier group. This is not always possible if China doesn't send matches together, but for the most part it does work. This way we can get to know our possible traveling group a head of time. One lady was in our adoption class back in January. She is a adopting a single mother and lives a couple hours from here. We enjoyed meeting her and are tickled that she might be traveling with us to China. She'll be a wonderful mommy to a little girl one day soon. Another couple is from our area. If I'm correct, the wife is a former reporter for on of our local news stations. Makes me wonder if there'll be a news story on China Adoption in the near future. The other two couples are from Washington. I spent part of the afternoon with MIL. She and I went to lunch at Roscoe's (southern style food) because she had a coupon for $4.00 off two Carolina BBQ Pork Sandwiches. We didn't care for the sandwiches, but the coleslaw and fried okra was pretty good. Then we headed to Home Depot to look at interior doors and paint. MIL didn't like my idea of painting one wall entirely red. She likes using red in the bedding and some decor, but she said that a red wall wasn't relaxing to her. She does like the two toned idea of white on the upper half of the walls and sage green on the bottom have with molding in the middle.

Baby Dedication Gowns...

Which gown do you like better? CHOICE A? CHOICE B?

Hanging in there....

Pain level is 5-6 with Ultram ER 200mg. I have another message in for the nurse. I hate to be a pest, but I frickin' hurt!! We've got to figure out something to help me make it to July 12th. *sigh* Last night I slept on the electric blanket on top of the memory foam pad with the ceiling fan going. Heaven! I also took a Lunesta, so I slept *really* well last night! My MIL is back from her "snowbird" trip and she bought a few things for Sarah. I think we are set on Ladybugs, 'cause here is what she bought: - White Cardigan Sweater with Pink Trim and Pink Ladybug - Red/White Seersucker Gingham Dress with Daisy and Ladybug Buttons - Ladybug Pillow - Ladybug Coin Purse - Ladybug Beanie Bug - Ladybug Easter Basket (she mentioned Halloween we'll cross that bridge when we actually get there.) - Panda Key Chain - Chinese Handheld Drum - Purple Velour Dress with ruffled trim and a pocket in the front And for the *very* first time, she acknowledged me for Mother's Day. She brought me a box of chocolate covered cherries from Ethel M. YUM!!!

Better days....

God bless the manufacturers of Ultram ER and the electric blanket! We upped my Ultram to 200mg b/c I had major break through pain when the pressure dropped. It's not 100% effective, but it's making quite a dent in the pain. My joints are sore, but I can concentrate and function. Blessed change. I couldn't sleep last night, so I got up and went down to the couch and watched the last episode of CSI: Season 4 (boy did they leave the fans hangin' on that one). I decided to sleep down there on top of the electric blanket and see if that helped at all. Oh! Relief! Of course when I got off the blanket, the relief didn't last for long, but at least the Ultram had a chance to keep on top of the pain. My IL's are back in town. K is a little bit irratated b/c we didn't get to see them last night after they got off the plane. His brother was nearly 30min late picking them up (they have the grandchild whom MIL is obsessed about) and FIL's back was hurting, so MIL told Keith not to come over. They don't realize how much he misses his parents while they are away and he really looks forward to seeing them the day they get home. I'm gonna have to mention this to MIL sometime this summer. I also told K there is nothing preventing us from meeting them at the airport as well and if his brother doesn't show up, then we can take his parents home. At least Keith would get to see them instead of relying on the unreliable brother. I went for a walk last night with K and Gracie. 1/2 mile (our loop). I think I walked too close to bedtime though. I'll have to do it earlier in the evening. Gracie enjoyed being out and about, though I do wonder if our neighbors look out their windows and wonder about us b/c Gracie gets carried a lot. Sometimes b/c she won't walk on the leash right and sometime b/c she doesn't want to walk anymore. Spoiled pooch. Ok, off to finish a report and figure out a mistake from January that has followed me through the 3rd quarter. Ugh!! It's aggravating to have to think back 4 months. My brain doesn't do that very well anymore. I actually was into work by 7:30 this morning. I haven't done that in MONTHS!! I even took out one trash can, hauled 6 bags of clothes out front for ARC, fed and pottied the dog and was out of the house before 7am. K was checking me for fever. Can some of you sent your warm weather this way please!! I'm tired of cold weather. Rhonda

ONE STEP CLOSER!!!!

Our Dossier will be sent to China on May 5, 2006!!!!! Oh, Happy Day!! This means we'll *likely* have a LID (Log in Date) of June 5, 2006 So our wait threshold dates for a referral (Match) might be: Six months: December 5th, 2006 Nine Months: March 5th, 2007 Twelve Months: June 5th, 2007 Eighteen Months: December 5, 2007

Done with the Biofeedback Therapist!

Geez, I hurt today. There is a low pressure front moving in. *sigh* I predict rain (though we could get a dusting of snow too). I had my LAST bio-feedback therapy session today. THANK GOD!! I really didn't care for this therapist. She talks waaaay too much and assumes things. She rarely gives me time to speak. She also doesn't bother to check if I know something and I feel that some of our time has been wasted b/c she thinks I need to be taught when I already knew. Oh well, I made it through this and now I don't have to go back EVER!! Keith had to drag my out of bed this morning. I was hurting and I was tired and I had to get up earlier than normal. I hate mornings.

My Hand in God's

My Hand In God's Each morning when I wake I say, I place my hand in God's today. I know He'll walk close by my side My every wandering step to guide He leads with the tenderest care When paths are dark and I despair-- No need for me to understand If I but hold fast to His hand. My hand in His! No surer way to walk in safety through each day. By His great bounty I am fed; Warmed by His love and comforted. When at day's end I seek my rest And realize how much I'm blessed, My thanks pour out to Him; and then I place my hand in God's again. By Florence Scripps Kellogg

Feeling Human Again!!

Well, I finally feel human!! My ear popped yesterday (OMG! that hurt) and I can finally hear. God Bless the woman who invented anti-biotics!! I told K that he is determined to make me drive an ugly car. He keeps talking about buying a Honda Element or a Toyota Scion when we finally decide to replace his Explorer Sport. Can I just say to both of them? Both vehicles make me wonder if the designers spray painted a cardboard box and called it a car. Not to mention I have issues with driving a Honda that K just can't understand. Either way, it's the secondary car and I won't have to drive all that much, so I told him that he can get what ever he wants as long as he stays within the agreed parameters. We've started to carpool again. Lovely. Now I can't talk to Carla in the mornings or evening without him listening (and critiqueing). Not to mention I was late today because *he* forgot his laptop (which is he desktop computer too--docking station). And *I* was the one getting the lecture about making *him* late? Another reason for me to "Grrrr..." at the oil industry beside their astronomically high gas prices.

Coping with the wait.....

Some days I feel like following my dream of having a baby to call my own is like following a rainbow. When you follow a rainbow in search of the pot of gold, you find that the rainbow keeps moving to another spot. Eventually you figure out that you'll never reach the end of the rainbow because it will keep changing on you. Right now this is how I feel about becoming a mommy. No matter what avenue I pursue, the end of the journey keeps changing. All around me people are welcoming new babies into their families, yet ours still remains the same: two adults and one dog. I feel like this will never change. I will continue to shop the baby department for clothes and toys for other people's babies, but never my own. I will continue to marvel at the miracle of birth, but never the birth of my own child. I will continue to watch bellies grow, but I will never see mine grow. I will continue to hold a newborn baby in my arms, yet I will still feel the ache to hold a baby that is mine. I will continue to plaster on a smile (sometimes easier than others) and congratulate the next "Wow! We're PG!" again and again (for some people many times over). I just have to wonder, when will it be my turn? How much will I have to endure before I finally get to experience the blessing of a baby in our family? How many more pregnancies will come and go before I finally will know the joy of holding my own child in my arms? When will there be an end to all this? My heart and my arms long to hold a baby named Sarah. To drink in her sweet baby scent, to feel her fingers tangled in my hair, to listen to her breath against my neck as we rock together, enjoying each other's presense. My heart longs to complain of sleepless nights, a fussy teething baby, and food stains on my couch. My hearts longs to take slow walks through the neighborhood examining each little "discovery" along the way abd to read stories together snuggled on the couch with "blankie" pointing out colors and shapes. My heart longs to deal with a temper tantrum meltdown in the grocery store or to sing "Old McDonald" for the umpteenth time. My heart longs to be the one who has to hang up the phone because it's *my* child torturing the dog or spilling the cereal on the floor. My heart longs to dress up my daughter in a cute little dress and take her to church and then pace the hallway because this time she's way to fussy to sit through the sermon. My heart longs for so much....the good *and* the bad of parenthood. Instead, I get to listen to others share their triumphs and tribulations of raising children and wonder "When, Lord, will it be my turn to share my stories?" When will I know first hand how hard it is to put a 3 yo to bed at night? When will it be my turn to hear the word "mommy" and know that it's ME? When will it be my turn to offer my child to anyone because I've "had it up to here today"? I keep asking. I keep trying to hang on to hope and faith. I keep plugging along. I keep waiting. And God keeps silent. He holds the answers to my questions, to my desires, to my hurts. I know that I must trust His timing. That He knows the perfect time, the perfect place, and the perfect child for our family to grow by one little girl. Yet still He keeps silent. I long for the day when my life will explode as we hold in our hands a tiny little picture of our beautiful daughter. When we *finally* have a face to put with a name. I long for the day, when we are exhausted from our journey, they place our little ladybug in my arms for the very first time. I long for when we arrive home for the first time and shut out the world for a short time and just enjoy the fact that we are finally parents. That we finally have a baby to call our own. That the wait is finally over....

Note to self: Strep isn't eradicated by a tonsillectomy

18 mo post tonsillectomy and I once *again* have Strep Throat. So much for not having to worry about that. ARGH!! Apparently, Strep is a "soft tissue" infection. Usually your tonsils will catch it and your immune system will deal with it. If you immune system can't handle it, then you get the infection and your tonsils become inflammed. In the absense of tonsils, the infection will strike the next soft tissue choice which is the throat. Again the immune system will try to handle it, but if it can't your throat will become inflammed and infected. Hence, how I now have Strap *again*. This time around we skipped the oral antibiotics and went straight to shot in the rump. OWIE!! I saw we, but I really had not part in the decision process. I didn't argue, b/c that meant *less* pills to swallow and at a time in my life where I'm trying to cut down, this is a good thing. So I'm resting, drinking lots of fluids, eating nice cold ice cream and vegging on the couch. K is taking good care of me, but you know what? When you are sick there is nothing like your mom taking care of you and I just want the record to say I WANT MY MOMMY!!! Nope, I'm not afraid to admit it. When I am sick, I would rather have my mother than my husband.

The Waiting Game

Waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting..... It seems that all I've done for the last THREE YEARS is wait. I'm just weary from waiting. I just want to be pain free and have a baby in my arms. What is that so much to ask for? Why?

Few Facts about me....what are some about you?

Try it, this can be fun and interesting. 1. FIRST NAME? Rhonda 2. ARE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? Yes. 3. WHEN DID YOU LAST CRY? Friday 4 DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? When it's neat, but normally I'm writing too fast. 5. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCHMEAT? Beef Balogna 6. KIDS? One angel waiting in heaven and one ladybug waiting in China 7. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? I think so 8. DO YOU HAVE A JOURNAL? Yes, but I have too many of them. 9. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT? Unfortunately 10. Do you still have your tonsils? Nope. Lost 'em a couple of years ago. 11. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? Heavens NO! 12. What is your favorite cereal? Trix, Cocoa Puffs, Fruity Pepples, Fruit Loops 13. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? Yes. 14. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? Physically no, emotionally stronger than I was. 15. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM? Anything with CHOCOLATE in it. 16. SHOE SIZE? 6.5 N 17. RED OR PINK? Red 18. WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? Motormouth & Procrastinator 19. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? The friend I once had. We had lots of fun together and whe knew me better than anyone. 20. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO SEND THIS BACK TO YOU? Yes, please! 21. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING RIGHT NOW? Blue Denim Skirt with Navy Flats 22. LAST THING YOU ATE? Piece of Beef Bologna and medication. 23. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? Masterpiece Theater theme song coming from my boss's office 24. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? Magenta 25. FAVORITE SMELL? Ocean 26. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? Kathleen 27.THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE YOU ARE ATTRACTED TO? Eyes, laugh and tone of voice 28. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU? Yes! (c: 29. FAVORITE DRINK? I'm addicted to Dr. Pepper 30. FAVORITE SPORT? Spectator. I like Basketball b/c I understand the rules, but I prefer to watch in person. I think Hockey is interesting to watch on TV. I like baseball on the radio. Other than that I only watch the Olympics. 31. HAIR COLOR? Dishwater Blonde w/Natural Redish highlights in the summer. 32. EYE COLOR? Blue 33. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? No, but wish I could 34. FAVORITE FOOD? There is a chocolate, chocolate chip muffin downstairs at the expresso stand calling my name. (c; 35. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDING? Happy Ending 36. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? Chronicles of Narnia (2005) 37. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? Fuschia 38. SUMMER OR WINTER? Summer, without a doubt 39. HUGS OR KISSES? I prefer hugs to kisses. 40. FAVORITE DESSERT? Crème Brule 41. WHO IS MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND? Carla & Elaine (and Kathleen if she isn't swamped) 42 LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND? Samantha 43. WHAT BOOKS ARE YOU READING? If it's not about adoption or China, I'm working through Amish Romance Series. Interesting. 44. WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? Don't use one 'cause I don't need one. 45. WHAT DID YOU WATCH LAST NIGHT ON TV? CSI & Gilmore Girls 46. FAVORITE SOUNDS? Ocean waves, light breeze blowing, birds in the distance... 47. ROLLING STONES OR THE BEATLES? Definitely Beatles. 48. THE FURTHEST YOU BEEN FROM HOME? Washinton D.C. & St. Petersburg, Florida 49. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT? None really. Jack of all trade, but master of none. 50. WHEN AND WHERE WERE YOU BORN? Um, rather not say on the internet.

Have I told you before....

....how much I adore Dr. C?? I have? Do you mind hearing it again? I hit a wall on Monday. My joint/muscle pain was at a 7 and nothing, I truly mean nothing, would help. It took until 10:30am to get in to work and the only reason I did was b/c of audit. So I called and made an appointment with Dr. C. I told B what the appt was for, but the earliest appt available was May 1st. She is such a wonderful person though. She was understand and she surprised me with a call yesterday to offer one of the cancellations for today. I was so appreciative and made sure she knew. Well three steps forward, two step back is still one step at a time right? Dr. C was very compassionate and understanding. She's referred me to the new Rheumatologist in town. She lightly pressed a couple of joints and was surprised that I said it hurt. She said that she'd say Arthritis or Fibromyalgia, but since that's not her speciality she really can't say for sure. She also indicated that while she could do the bloodwork, she rather let the Rheumatologist do what she needs instead. I can live with that. HOWEVER, the earliest appointment I could get with Dr. T is JULY 12th!! Grrrrr...sometimes living here sucks. Anyway, in the meantime, Dr. C has Rx'd Celebrex to see if that will get a handle on the joint pain. At least it won't be a rollercoaster of pain/no pain all day. Dr. C is humoring me about my theory of Hypothyroidism. She ordered a full Thyroid Panel. She said joints alone, she say no, but with a few other symptoms I discribed (low temps, fatigue, etc), she's willing to take a look. At least if it's not, we can rule it out. If it is, then we can fix it (withOUT narcotics). We talked about finding what's wrong will make finding a better treatment plan easier--not easy, just easier than without. Dr. C said even if Dr. T comes back with a Dx that we don't like at least we'll have a course of action to take that will hopefully bring relief. I told her that I could accept this being a life-long condition, but I couldn't live with my current level of pain and the restrictions on my life that it's doing. I told her that this time of the year I'm getting better not worse when it's just weather related. That leads me to believe that something really isn't right and current Rx's are not the temporary bandaid that we were hoping it would be.Dr. C did acknowledge that if the Pain Specialist isn't helping anymore, than she sees no reason to continue seeing him. Whew!! She really wants me to see Dr. T even if the Celebrex works. I promised her I would (hell, I don't want to live on Celebrex either, but right now it's the lesser of the evils).I feel wonderful to be validated by her listening, understanding and willingness to find answers. Some days you wonder if it's just in your head (as you all well know) so it's great when you are treated with such care and compassion. K went along. His question was if all my medications could be part of the problem. Dr. C said she'd be inclined to say no, but it really could be an option to rule out if the Rheumatologist deems it neccessary. She really wouldn't want to pull me off the hormones, at least, unless there was a clear need to do so and I don't want to either. So now we just wait and see if the Celebrex helps and wait to see Dr. T in July.

Good Pain Days...

What is a "good pain day" you ask? Well that's a day when, though you still hurt, the pain isn't so bad. I've been getting more of those this past week. I was able to cut down my pain meds a notch yesterday!! Today isn't so bad either. I'm seriously hoping this is the week that things take a turn for the better. That would be sooooooo nice. To be without pain is almost a foreign concept to me. Not sure I'd even know what to do with myself.

Doing better...

I'm doing better today. Physically and emotionally. Keith & I talked last night and decided that we won't decorate the nursery until *after* we get our referral. I'm just afraid of jinxing myself and getting it all decorated for a girl and then getting referred a boy and have to do it over. I also don't think emotionally it's a good idea for me to be sitting in an empty nursery for a year. I'm going to muk out the room and paint the base colors (red, white, & sage green). I'll also get a closet organizer installed. But until we have our referral, I won't buy bedding or decorations unless it's unisex type stuff. We are going to do the bathroom in a ducky theme which works for both genders. So I'll start buying that decor and storing it in a tote until it gets closer to bring baby home. I'm also going to work on decluttering and deep cleaning every room in the house. That oughta take a year. I talked to Keith about having Merry Maids come every couple of weeks for the first couple of months after we get Sarah home. He seemed open to the idea. So that's the scoop in this neck of the woods. Can you tell I'm *not* a patient waiter? Off to do audit prep. Ugh, another audit.

Cafepress.com is soooooo addicting!

I went to www.cafepress.com and typed "china baby adopt" in the search and I found a *ton* of cute stuff.

This is precious!!  Goin' on the Wish List.

Think Gracie would hate me for this?

Definately have to get this one

This is cute

This would be fun, too

We'll have to wear this on our trip to China

I'm getting this for "causal friday" at work

MIL & my mom would like these.  Good Mother's Day Gift.  Also the saying would be good to put on a shirt for Sarah (tweeked a little).

 

Still hurting....

...my body is still screaming about something. I've decided that beginning Sunday, I am totally eliminating wheat and I will do it for 90 days. That should be plenty of time to see if that is the issue. I beginning to wonder if I'll every know what it's like to live without pain for more than a 24 hr period here or there. ...Tommorrow my angel might have turned 2 yo. April 6th was my due date before I miscarried. I had thought that I would have a baby in my arms by now to help cull the heart break. But alas, it's still so far away. I just pray that we make it to China before this time next year. I'm not sure if I can stand yet another "almost birthday" without a baby in my arms to call my own.

AMAZING!!

And you thought those people that set up roomfulls of dominos to knock over were amazing... There are no computer graphics or digital tricks in the film. Everything you see really happened in real time exactly as you see it. The film took 606 takes. On the first 605 takes, something, usually very minor, didn't work. They would then have to set the whole thing up again. The crew spent weeks shooting night and day. By the time it was over, they were ready to change professions. The film cost six million dollars and took three months to complete including full engineering of the sequence. In addition, it's two minutes long so every time Honda airs the film on British television, they're shelling out enough dough to keep any one of us in clover for a lifetime. However, it is fast becoming the most downloaded advertisement in Internet history. Honda executives figure the ad will soon pay for itself simply in "free viewings" (Honda isn't paying a dime to have you watch this commercial!). When the ad was pitched to senior executives, they signed off on it immediately without any hesitation - including the costs. There are six and only six hand-made Honda Accords in the world. To the horror of Honda engineers the filmmakers disassembled two of them to make the film. Everything you see in the film (aside from the walls, floor, ramp, and complete Honda Accord) is parts from those two cars. The voiceover is Garrison Keillor. When the ad was shown to Honda executives, they liked it and commented on how amazing computer graphics have gotten. They fell off their chairs when they found out it was for real. Oh. and about those funky windshield wipers. On the new Accords, the windshield wipers have water sensors and are designed to start doing their thing automatically as soon as they become wet. It looks a bit weird in the commercial. click here http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/honda.php According to www.snopes.com it's true. http://www.snopes.com/autos/business/hondacog.asp

Some days I just hate my body....

I woke up Friday in so much joint pain and whining so much that K was ready to take me to ER. I had to take my allotment of two pain pills all in the morning just so I could function enough to go to work to file a tax report that was due. *sigh* I hurt all frickin' day! I didn't get to work until 12:30pm. I just slept on the couch that night. I told K that's where I would end up anyway, why not just stay there. We had dinner with K's brother and family. Dnephew wanted to spend the night, but I just couldn't do it. I offered Saturday night. At 4am, I finally caved a took one of Saturday's pills so I could sleep stop hurting enough to sleep. But then I had to make it the rest of the day with nothing but Motrin if I wanted to save my other pill for bedtime so I could sleep. It really sucks how undertreated chronic pain is. I'm suppose to make the 60 pills last 30 days, but what about days when that's not enough? The response I get is "you have to make them last". I when I hurt beyond belief, I have to just suck it up b/c I don't know what the future holds and I could need the extra pills later and could short myself. It just totally BITES!! Needless to say, it's been a rough weekend. Sunday wasn't so bad b/c it *finally* snowed. K calls me the human barameter. I went to a friend's house Saturday evening for dinner and fellowship. It was nice to have the distraction from the pain and the fatigue. Holding the baby was therapeutic. We took Dnpehew and he was an angel and played with my friend's two older children really well. I had to bail on the sleepover though. :( I did offer to let him take home my GeoTrax Train Set. Some days it just sucks to be in my body. So much of the hysterectomy making me 100% better. Oh! And to add insult to injury, I'm having night sweats and hotflashes again. Can't win for losing right now.

Grown-up Toys....

We spent 5 hours on Saturday buying a new toy!! We decided to trade in my 2004 Jetta for the 2006 model. Th engineers really went back to the drawing board on this one. K has been drooling for several months, but we had agreed that we wouldn't trade in his Ford Explorer Sport until after we knew if I would be SAHM or not. If I become a SAHM, then we'll keep it a while longer. If not, then we'll trade it for a more fuel efficient vehicle. A week ago Saturday, K was telling me about all the new standard features of the 2006 Jetta and some of the newer options available. I suggested maybe we consider trading in my car since we still have a payment on it and we aren't too far into the principal. This got his wheels turning. LOL! I framed out the parameters that he had to stay within to get my full support and Keith set to work "wheeling and dealing" with the sales rep. After a week, we came to an agreement that we all could live with. We took the car for a test run on Saturday. You'd think that b/c they had been discussing this all week that we'd be able to to get in and out quickly. NOT! It was a very looooooong 5 hours of paperwork and stuff. *sigh* Good thing they had water, coffee, and pastries. My FIL's nose is out of joint b/c we bought another large item while he was out of town. Makes my just laugh how he thinks the boys should only make large purchases after 1) consulting him and 2) only when he's in town (which is only 6 months of the year). He'll live. Here are the features that make our new toy a sweeeeet ride: - Front, side and curtain airbags - 5 more inches in the back seat for Little Ladybug's carseat - 16cu ft trunk space - 6-speed AutoTrans with Tiptronic (this will be wonderful in the winter to give more control over the gears). - 6 disc CD Player w/10 speakers (lost my cassette deck) - An arm rest (you'd be amazed at how much we missed this on the 2004 Jetta) - 21 air vents!! This means the back seats will be warm/cool and they put one near the foot by the door. No more cold feet on frigid days. - Antennea in the rear window. No more snapping it off when shoveling snow off the roof - Finally a car with a temp guage so I know what the temps are. - Independent suspension. Makes the bumps easier on my body. There's more, but you get the idea. LOL!! It's a really sweet car.