Alienating Friends....

Well, today I alienating a whole group of friends. I still feel that my feelings were justified, but my way of expressing them was totally wrong. I said and did somethings that I regret. Me and my big mouth. Xc: I've been feeling over that last few months that anything I post in the group was either ignored or just plain not worthy of comment to those reading/lurking. I really tried not to let it get to me. I figured that ppl may not have the time to post to all the threads. As time trucked along, I began to notice it more and more. I continued to try to not take it personally. Then someone who rarely posts comes and posts a surprise BFP and even the *lurkers* come out of the wood work to congratulate her. I tried to suck it up, but when I posted an update to the thread that I was updating about our China Adoption that we were FINALLY DTc, no one replied. I continued to watch it drop to the bottom of the pile. Again, I assumed that maybe they thought it was a dead thread and weren't checking it anymore and someone posted that an "It's may, let's update". I posted again thinking for sure this would be a response. Two ppl responded. I knew those who didn't were reading threads b/c they were responding to other threads. I finally decided that maybe that thread was a dead thread and so I finally posted an AAM thread detailing my excitment about our DTC and what we did to celebrate and what were planning to start working on. I had tried not to be "hey look at me", but decided that I was just too excited to wait to be noticed. The next day there was *no* replies. So I deleted it. I figured that I left links in the other two posts to my blogs, so they could look there. Considering that most are 3 to 4 hours a head of me, by the time I checked it was afternoon for most. Therefore I figured that either nobody read it or it just wasn't worth their time. Considering other thread were posted I decided it was the former. It got noticed that I deleted it and asked where it went. I said in my adoption blog. No one even asked for the link or even checked the links page. So I figured it certainly wasn't that important to anyone. When pressed as to why I moved it (funny that it gets noticed *after* it's deleted) I finally came out and said that my feelings were hurt. In return I was told that I only had the thread up for a day. I pointed out it was the THIRD attempt to share my excitment and it wasn't responded to until *after* moved it to my blog. In return I was again told that I only left that thread up a day and moving it was immature. It may have been. I would gather my approach sucked. I just wish they could have looked beyond that and tried to understand why I was upset. I suppose it might have been easier had I not put them on the defensive first. Either way, I now feel that I've alienated them when I just wanted them to understand. To understand that I am PREGNANT. I may not be physically pregnant, but I am indeed pregnant with the wait for a child. I just don't have a belly growing or OB appts. I don't even know WHEN my pregnancy will end. Instead when the BFP was posted it was commented that we "finally have a PG person". That just added salt to an already festering would. I tried to talk it over with a friend and try not to take it personal, but I just couldn't let it go. I wanted them to understand that each stage is important and while they may not understand everything, that I need them to ooh and aah even if there is nothing tangible to ooh and aah over. The latest update was as big as the BIG u/s or getting a BFP. I needed them to come out of the woodwork and rejoice with me. Our documents were finally in China. We were finally in China's system to get our baby. WE PASSED!!! We are getting a baby!!! We are now in the 2nd trimester. I see the others getting kudos for OB appts. Entired threads started ot ooh and aah over bellies or babies. I may be selfish but I WANT THAT TOO. Why is it wrong to want that? I've given up so much of my dream, what can't I enjoy all the privelages that prenant women are afforded? My monthly updates are "we're still waiting and when don't know what it'll end". Pregnant women get to update prenatal appointments, belly pictures, and a COUNT DOWN. They KNOW when it's ending. They know when to start the nursery. They know when to have the baby shower, when to buy the announcements, when to start buying clothes (and what season to buy them for). All I get to do is wait. Waiting sucks when there's nothing to hold on to. I need to be reminded when the road is so long that it does have an ending even if I can't see it. Instead, I've just created a wall between me and some friends that mean a lot to me. Simply because I didn't consider my actions or my words. *sigh* I'm such an idiot--I just wish they could also look beyond my stupidity and give me a hug right now. Of course, why would they after my thoughtless words? I'm not sure I would. So that's how I alienated my friends. I guess I'm not much of a friend myself.