Today we hit a wall.

Today we hit a wall. I was so sore from my activities yesterday (we assume) and didn't want to go to church and spend 2 hours sitting in a hard chair. Plus my fingers and wrists hurt and I really didn't feel up to playing the piano. Keith is so tired of watching me suffer. He's also loosing patience in waiting for answers to my pain and when Sarah will finally be in our arms. He got really upset today--even cried. We both are at the point where we don't understand what to pray for anymore. We don't seem to get answers to the pain and estimates for the China program are sooooooooo long. So Keith called our pastor and told him that we were tired and wouldn't be coming to church. He explained a little of what we are going through spiritually and emotionally. Pastor reminded him that we would go through this with or without God, but without God would have been worse. He also told us to read Hebrews today. Keith did. I didn't. I already knew that he wanted to us to read Chapter 11 and I know that it says (taught enough sunday school not to). We are just spent. We are tired of being strong. We have *nothing* give anyone anymore. We've been actively trying to have a child for 3+ years and we toyed around with it for a couple years prior to that. It just doesn't make sense why we should got through so much when the answers could be so easy. In Keith's mind is that every time we appear to get closer to have a baby, I start hurting more. We take care of the pain and try again and I hurt more. It's a never ending cycle. The Endo progressed. I had Lap #2. We TTC and got PG. We m/c'd. The pain got worse. I had Lap #3. We didn't get PG. We did IF treatments. The pain got worse. I had Lap #4. We tried Lupron. The pain got worse. I had Lap #5 with a hysterectomy. There was still intense pain. I had Radio Frequency Nerve Ablation. We start the paperchase to adopt from China. Before completing RFNA (which was finally successful) chronic joint pain set in and has continued to worsen. We got through our homestudy and got our paperwork off to China. The pain continues to interfere with my job and my activities. No one has answers. No one can figure out how to *consistantly* control the pain. The China Program's waiting time has DOUBLED. So here we are....I hurt like hell and we don't have a baby. I just can't understand why pain relief and a baby in our arms is such an impossible request to fill. How much are we to endure? What are we to learn about all this? Is it supposed to make us more grateful? WE ARE GRATEFUL!! We understand the miracle and blessings of raising children. WE ARE READY!! Are we supposed to be going through this to minister to others? HAVEN'T WE BEEN THROUGH ENOUGH TO ACCOMPLISH THAT? It all just seems too much and too unfair. I just want to kick and scream and throw a big temper tantrum in front of the throne of God until He relieves my pain and brings "the right child in the right time". *sigh*