Jealousy is an Ugly Green Monster

The big ugly green jealousy monster attacked me this week. I babysat my darling little nephew and was able to snuggle with him (a privalege not extended to many) and it just made my heart ache for a child to call my own. Then on Monday, all in the space of two hours I got to hear about a good friend's 20week u/s and then read a bunch of BFPs online. I've not gone down this road in a very, very long time and was very startled and disheartened that I found myself on such a path yet again. I guess I'm not as past this as I thought I was. There are still things that make me feel like I am missing out on something good. While adoption will bring a baby to love and cuddle and help with my healing, there are moments when I wonder what things might have been like. I've never seen a 20w u/s (my friend has offered to let go with her to her next one--high risk PG so she w/b getting several more) and I never will see a BFP for a sticky PG for me. I don't even have the option of getting PG anymore (some days just having the option would be nice). It's at these moments I have to remind myself of the horrid pain I endured and I have to remind myself of how wonderful it is to not feel that pain anymore (now if we could just fix the joint pains). Some days I have to remind myself *a lot* more than other days that I made the right decisions and that Sarah is the child meant to be ours (especially when I wonder why we were only allowed to adopt, not both). I've been dealing with chronic joint pain. Some days are better than others. The barametric pressure can't seem to decide what it wants to do. I'm so tired of being in pain (but grateful that it's not the abdominal pain nor as intense). I'm so tired of being tired. I get a good patch of energy and use it up and then pay for it for days on end. Plus I'm still struggling to get quality sleep at night. I have adoption paperwork to finish up or hunt down. I have to get it copied and off to the adoption agency. Then after that I just wait and pray that they get it processed quickly. I pray that something doesn't stall the process. Then I count the days until I can finally start on the nursery (March 26th). I'm starting to think about things in terms of "this is the last Valentine's Day without Sarah.....I hope". I still have to pinch myself and believe this will actually go through. That it won't end in a "miscarriage" of sorts. We have a very loooooong wait ahead of us. There are no appts to count towards. No u/s pictures to stare at. No growing belly to mark the months or let the ppl know that we are "expecting" and share in the magical time of induction into parenthood. This wait has no definate end to it. There is no EDD. We will be waiting for 6-8 mos if the program remaind status quo, but that could change at any moment (can I say that the Bird Flu scares me b/c I don't want my adoption derailed like those who waited out the SARS epedemic). We hope to traval around Christmas, but there are no guarantees. How much hope to I allow myself to have? How many eggs should I put in that basket? What will I do if Christmas rolls around and we are still waiting?