Where does my hope keep coming from?

I worked until 8pm tonight (got to work at 7:30a). *sigh* I already did an audit this year at my previous employer, but here I am again pulling long days b/c of audit. At least next year will be at a better time of year. I'll be pulling long days while K is salmon fishing at the derby. Tomorrow is hopefully the day that I will finally be able to get on with my life. Ah! There I go hoping again. Why do keep hoping? I've dealt with some many dashed hopes this year, it really surprises me that I can even muster any more of it up. I definately have to say it's the Lord because I really can't walk this journey by myself. It gives new meaning to the Footprints Poem. I know the Lord is carrying me, but I what I don't know is why He choose to withhold relief from pain? To think that I once complained of one day a month of horrid pain, vomiting, diarrhea and such. That was what I experienced every month with AF thanks to Endometriosis. That doesn't seem so bad anymore, but when I was going through it, it was HORRID. It's been nice to not have to worry about AF. It was nice to plan for Spring Break and not have to count days to see if AF would ruin my plans. I can wear white without giving it a second thought (well I will after Easter). Just think about how much more room I'll have in my suitcase!!! It's been nice to be done with TTC. I'm not sure how much longer I could have handled the "30 day grief cycle". I don't know how ppl do it for so many years. We only were on the rollercoaster for 2.5 yrs. I can't imagine anything longer. Today I was thinking that the grief brought on by TTC with infertility is like a rubber band. Every time you make an effort to walk forward, you are snapped back into the grief of another month of dashed hopes. I'm so glad to be over that. With adoption, each step you accomplish is a step closer to a baby. You keep moving forward. There is no snapping back. Yeah, there are delays. There are obstacles to get around. But you keep going forward. I find it's easier to have hope when I'm going forward. When I'm FACING forward. I've found that the less often I look back into the past at "what could have been" and more on "what might be", the better able I am to deal with "set backs" (as Dr. C calls them). The more boyancy my hope has. I found with TTC, that was hard to do--keep moving forward. In some ways, I find adoption much more hopeful to deal with. So here I am. The eve of yet another procedure. I am daring to hope once more that this time will be it. That this is when my Lord will answer my prayer to live pain free. I pray one more time for a "bull's eye" hit. May the Lord guide my dr.'s hands tomorrow. Keep him steady and sure. Work through him to finally release me from my pain once and for all.