Life goes on and other stories of the heart

Boy, to be the piano player at my church you have to be soooooo flexible. The Pastor told me that he was going to lead songs and would likely do his "standbys", so that's what I went prepared to do. At the last minute, one of the song leaders approached me and told me that the Pastor had asked her to sing. *sigh* We quickly ran through a few of her "standbys". Then when she gets up to sing, she had decided to change one of her songs to a song we haven't played/sang in MONTHS and then one song she's *always* sung in C, she decides tonight is the night to sing in B flat. :o Good thing I can play by ear and transpose on a dime. What a tough night. Had a great service though. We had a special speaker talking about raising money for home missions (annual program at this time of year) and presented a slide show. The date Aug 30, 2005 came on the screen and I'm sitting there thinking "Hmmmm....that's the date that I had my hyst, but what is significant about that date that the whole church should know?". Then I realized as the slide show went on that I have no clue as to when Katrina hit Louisiana. I was in such a fog from pain, illness, and sleep deprivation, that lives were torn apart and I was oblivious. I'm mean, I know that Katrina hit about that time, but I truly didn't pay much attention. It never really became personal. I thought about the devastation, but put it aside b/c I couldn't deal with emotionally sad stuff. I was in too much of a fog to realize that I should care. My OB/GYN got her medical degree and did her residency in New Orleans. I'm sure that she has friends from the area and to think that she was in surgery making my life better and lifting me up while probably wondering about them. (Another thing that makes Dr. C amazing). Then they started showing pictures of churches just devastated and ppl dealing with the aftermath. The speaker talked about Pastor's trying to rebuild churches with most of his saints gone--forced to rebuilds their lives where there was no devastation. I've missed so much of life. I can tell you where I was and all sorts of stuff when 9/11 happened and other national tradegies while in my sleep, but I can tell you basically nothing about Katrina. It's kind of like waking up from being asleep for a long time. The world goes on with life yet I feel like I've been in one place not realizing what's going on. Lately, I've been feeling robbed. Robbed of the last three years. Robbed of the last three months. Robbed of hopes and dreams. Robbed of life. I haven't been fighting *for* my life these last few months, I've been fighting to *have* a life. Some days it feels like the same thing. Then I think about ppl who have it some much worse than I do. I know that I shouldn't compare as it only makes me feel guilty for feeling what I feel (which isn't condusive to healing), but sometimes it helps to be reminded that while my life has been a battle, the war could be so much worse. I still have my husband. I still have my home. I still have my beloved dog. I still have a hope and a future (that I pray doesn't include chronic pain). I have wonderful friends, who've stuck by me. I haven't lost everything I hold dear. I am truly, truly blessed. I forget that sometimes. In the fog of living with chronic pain, I forget that. Tonight I was reminded that life still goes on and there's always opportunities to "poke holes in darkness" that fills ppls lives, which just have to realize that we can help even when we ourselves need help too. "Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labour. For if they fall, the one will life up his fellow: but wore to him that is alone when he falleth; for he hath not another to help him up." --Ecclesiastes 4:9-10