The psychology of chronic pain....

I reached a limit today. I can not walk another step of the journey alone. I cannot fight this battle without a better weapon. This is a battle of the mind as well as the body. So I've come to realize. Thus I've made an appointment with a health psychologist at the pain clinic where my pain specialist practices. I pray that she has better weapons to fight this. I pray that she can help me find hope again. Hope.......I need some more hope. I decided not to see the therapist that I saw after my miscarriage. She was great for that phase of my journey, but I don't think she is properly equipped for this phase of my journey. Basically, anytime I needed support through medical trauma, I would spend most of my appointment explaining things to her. Not much help. I figure talking to a psychologist who can work with my pain specialist, who works with my OB/GYN will give my more bang for my buck and better equip me and my "team" to figure out a strategy to return my life to ME. I've only been able to live FOUR MONTHS out of the last TEN!!! 4/10ths of the year is all that I've been able to have that was carefree and full of energy. To be able to clean my house (K is doing a good surface job, but my house is in dire need of a good "spring" clean), to be able to join my husband on his nightly walks, to play with the dog, to go shopping with my friends, to play with my nephews and neices.......the list goes on of what my heart wants to do but my body has let me down. Again. I think to myself that at least I'm not battling for my life. At least I don't have cancer. At least I know I'll live. But then I start to wonder, what kind of a life do I really have? I try to be brave while I try to make it to my next dose of pain medication b/c I'm trying to keep it to "the lowest effective dose". I try to "suck it up" and do things that I just can't do. I live in fear that I'll get sick with the next "bug" and not have the pain relief I so desparately need. I hate explaining my pain. I hate having to justify the percocet. I hate the fog. I hate the stomach issues. I don't want to live like this. I want a life that is pain free and full of energy. I worry about adopting. I worry about bringing a baby into all this--even one from an orphanage in China. A baby girl deserves so much more than sitting there watch her mother lay on the couch unable to take her outside. I know that the future is unpredicable and this could have happened AFTER we brought a baby home (or had been blessed to give birth), but I don't see the fairness in KNOWINGLY bring her into this. So, I've told K that while I'm willing to work on the paperwork that we need to do for the homestudy, I am not willing that the h/s be finalized until AFTER the pain issues for gone forever. Our homestudy is only good for 14 months post finalization. I really don't want to have it expire before we are placed with a baby should we stall later on because the pain is not dealt with. While it breaks my heart that we could lengthen the time for bring our baby home, I take heart that maybe that just means our Little Ladybug just isn't ready to join us until later. I want the best for her and I want to give my best to her. Right now, I don't feel that I can give her either. I know that we have resouces to help us through tough times, I just feel that I can't use that as a crutch just so that I can have a baby. I try not to let my heart and mind wonder over to idea of "what if I'm just not meant to be a mom?". That is just a sad sad thought and fuels my depression like nothing else. I can't imagine my life without a baby of my own. I've wait so long and endured so much that it's just unthinkable. I try not to let myself go there. Then there's my husband. OMG, what a wonderful, generous, and caring man he is. He is a blessing from God. I know there are days when he just annoys me to know end or makes me so extremely angry I could scream. But I can't believe how understanding, caring and long suffering this man has been. When you think of the number of times in the several months, let alone three years, he's had to endure his wife curled up on the couch in pain hugging a pain med bottle, you'd truly understand how amazing he is. The number of meals he's cooked, the number of loads of laundry he's done, the number of trips to the pharmacy he's made, etc. Yet he managed to pull himself together and pick me back up or just hold me while I cry...again. He's no saint mind you. He gets frustrated too. He gets scared. He has his fears of the future. But so many times he has amazed me with the care and compassion and SACRIFICES he has made because of my battle with chronic pain. I long to be a WIFE to him. I long for the day when we are partners again. I long for so many things for him. Things that I can't do or be for him because of my pain and lack of energy. Until then I feel that I am over staying my time in the "for worse" category of "for better, for worse". This guy has to have a limit somewhere and I pray to God that I never see it. I've heard of so many men who couldn't handle this or things worse than this. I've heard of marriages ruined because of long term illnesses. I worry some days how much more pain and sacrifice our marriage can endure and then I pray that we never find out. I pray for an end to this part of the journey. I pray for a new beginning of a new journey that doesn't include the pain we've endured. I know that life requires sacrifice, but I pray for journey that doesn't require so much of it. It would be just wonderful to fall asleep one night and wake up and find that this was just a horrible horrible nightmare. To wake up with no pain. To wake up with engery to clean house and and be a wife and mother. To wake up and not "test the waters" to see what kind of day it will be. To wake up and not have talk myself into eating b/c I need to take a pill. To wake up LIVE! I'm thankful that my story isn't worse. I remind myself that other people have a worse story than I do. That I'm luckier than most. But then I remind myself that I'm not living their life--I'm living mine and right now, mine isn't the life I wanted. Right now I'm looking for a better story than mine and offering a bargin discount for trade. So, today I decided that I can't go it alone and made an appointment with a phsychologist.......wonder if I should give her this link?