Will the crying never end?

I feel like I've been crying all my life. It's not really true, but I feel like it's been forever and I feel like it'll never stop. I know all this is hormone related. Guess, maybe a delayed reaction to stopping the Prempro? I'm still having night sweats. The hot flashes aren't too bad anymore. I feel like I don't belong anywhere right now. I don't fit in anymore. I feel like I'm on a merry-go-round that keeps spinning and spining and won't let me get off. I literally feel sick to my stomach (of course that may be b/c I took glucophage after eating half a bag of frosted animal cookies. :-/ ). Have some wonderful groups that I belong to in the "online world". I feel like I've known them forever (2 years or more) and they've been through the trenches with me. I just don't feel like I belong anymore. I don't fit in anymore. Their lives have naturally progressed to include families of their own. Their lives are filled with sleeping, teething, pooping, strollers, bottles, breastfeeding, etc. and rightfully so. And while, I'm thrilled that they no longer have to struggle with TTC, I find that it harder and harder to read their about their lives. I want to be a cheerleader to them. I want to understand their new struggles. But I find myself only envying them instead. That's not right. I really shouldn't compare my life to theirs. It serves to good purpose. Yet, I find that I can't help myself. They are moving on to TTC#2 and here I am still trying for #1. I am in the place I so feared I would be: Last Man Standing. I find myself looking around and wondering how did I get here? Why am I here? Is it something I've done wrong? Is it because of something I'm *not* doing? What am I to learn through all this? If I hear "faith" or "patience" one more time, I think I puke on the next person who says that to me (better then slugging them). I've already figured out that's part of the lesson, but how long to I have demonstrate it? How long am I expected to be happy with my circumstances? I've had ENOUGH!! I don't want to go through this anymore. Why do I have to give up on my dream? Why can't I adopt AND experience pregnancy/birth? Why can't it be both? It's totally unfair!! I'm perfectly aware that God is in the miracle business. Apparently our first PG was one. But I find it hard to wrap my mind around the fact that God snatched away again. It that it? Is all that I get to experience of my dream is a couple weeks of blissfully PG and then several more weeks of pain and anguish? That just doesn't seem right. I know that God's plans are better than our plans. That once God fully shows what this is all for, I'll realize that it should have never been any other way. But PLEASE DEAR GOD, help me make it through all this!!! I can't stand it anymore!! I can't stand the silence. I can't stand the emotional anguish! I can't stand the pain of Endometriosis and Adenomyosis. I can't stand the not knowing if I'll ever know what it's like to feel a baby grow and kick in my womb. If I'll ever know what it's like to labor and then deliver a little bitty baby all squirmy and crying. If I'll every know what it's like to have my bladder punched on a daily basis or my ribs bruised from little feet. Will I ever know what it's like to have my belly stretched beyond what the mind can comprehend and wonder if my body will every be the same? Yes, as you can see, I do realize that PG is no picnic. No, I don't have a romanticized idea of "smooth sailing". So don't sit there and tell me "PG isn't all it's cracked up to be". I want to know for MYSELF!! Someone told me that she believes that while she wanted to feel all this, she realized that maybe God was saying "No!", because she would not survive childbirth. That rather scared me. I realized that "Hmmmm....if I had to die in childbirth, than yes, the experience certainly wouldn't be worth it." I don't want to leave my husband with no wife--my dream includes us raising our child together. So, I wonder......is that why God took our baby? Is that why He's continueing to say no? If I force the issue and do IF treatments, will it be detremental to my health? What a scary thought. I tend to think if God explained His plans, maybe I would accept them better? Of course, He really doesn't have to--He's God after all. I doubt that even with an explaination I'd really be "gung ho" for 'em all the time anyway. I'd like to think I would, but in reality, I doubt it. So here I am, wondering what's next. Wondering where this journey will lead. Will I become PG or will we eventually move on to adoption (I really want both). Will I eventually wind up begging for a hyst or will God heal my body from all the pain (seems that a PG *might* help me avoid a hyst). When will God finally reveal the plan that will make me go "Oh, ok. Now I see. Thank you, Jesus, for your grace and mercy. Thank you for not giving up on me. Thank you for your unfailing love. Thank you for doing what's best rather than what I want." When?