Square Peg in a Round Hole

There are days that I feel like a square peg trying to fit in to a round hole. I'm a motherless women trying to fit into groups of mothers. I just don't fit in. I'm not a member of "The Club". I can't help but watch them and feel sorry for myself. It's wrong and I struggle to remind myself that my turn will come. But I've waited so long and been disappointed so many times, that I have a hard time believing that I really will join "The Club" one day. I feel like I am being left behind. They are all moving on with their lives and I keep repeating the same thing over and over just like the move Groundhog's Day. It's like this IRL and with my "buddy groups". What once was support seems to be more heartache. I am having to make a decision whether to have a hysterectomy or not. They are trying to decide whether have a second child or third child now or not. We are in two different worlds. Mine is filled with broken dreams that were never be realized. Mine is filled with pain that I either have to chose to live with and keep chasing my dreams or finally decide I've had enough and let my dreams die. I have so much loss to deal with right now I can't see straight some days. It gets hard to plaster a smile on my face and pretend to the outside world that my life is great. To be there supporting people when I just want to curl up in a ball and cry my eyes out b/c it's all just simply unfair. I remember vividly the moment that I decided that I wanted to be a mother. It was after my grandmother's cat had kittens on my sister's bed and my mother explains "where babies come from". At that moment I decided that more than anything I wanted to experience that. No matter what career I chose, being a mother would go and in hand with that. I was seven years old. I carried that dream with me everyday. I day dreamed about it. When I played house, I was always pregnant. When I played Barbies, mine was always pregnant. I stuffed pillows up my shirt so I could see what I looked like pregnant. Then at age 14 yo Endometriosis entered the picture. It would not be until I was 22.5 yo that I would discover my pain had a name and no cure. It would be nine years before I would learn that what I had be indoctrinated with wasn't true--that once I had a baby the pain would go away. Starting at age 14, I began to dream not only for the day I would be married and have a baby, but also for the day when that dream would take away my pain. I become more desparate as the years dragged on to find this relief. My dream had a purpose. At age 25, I finally found the "man of my dreams". We knew that we would adopt whether we gave birth to children or not. He was wonderful when I told him that I had only a 50% chance of giving birth to his child. He didn't miss a beat when he said that adoption was fine with him. His been there through thick and thin in the journey to realize my dream. At age 30, I was told that I needed to begin thinking about having a baby because my Endometriosis was progressing and surgery wasn't providing the relief that I needed. So we began to try to have a baby. Six months later we did concieve a child only to say goodbye before we even got to say hello. My 31st birthday was filled with such sorrow. More than I had ever experienced in my life. We desparately tried to have another baby. More surgeries and fertility treatments and procedures followed, but none were successful. Our hearts conintue to ache and our arms continue to be empty. We've come up short. The pain increases in our heats and physically in my body. I am now at a crossroads. I have to make a decision to stop fertility treatments and move on to adoption. I have to make a decision what avenue I want the pain to be dealt with. I have to decide how much more disappointment and pain I can handle. My heart does feel that there is a little girl who has been born or will be born in China that is our daughter. Yet I grieve the loss of the experience to carry our daughter in my womb and give birth to her. My heart does feel that I've come to the end of the road with my womb. Yet I grieve the loss of the chance to feel a baby grow in my womb. I just wonder why I couldn't have both. I know that God's way are not my ways. I understand there is a purpose in all that I do and He sees the big picture. Things that I can not see b/c I am not God. I know that eventually my heart will heal. I just wonder when that will finally be? When will I hear a pregancy announcement and not feel my heart ache? When will I see a pregnant belly and not feel sorrow for my baby in heaven? When? Then I look at a hysterectomy. Will that take my pain away? Or will the surgery be in vain? Is something else causeing the pain? Are we wrong to assume that is Endometriosis and Adenomyosis causing it? There's no going back. I have to believe when I actually have the surgery that it is the best course of action to take. Somedays, I doubt myself. Other days I'd rip it out myself if I could. It's so final. There is no going back. Once it's done, it's done. I just don't belong in any world right now. I'm in a black void. I'm on the outside looking in wondering which world I will finally fit in to. In the meantime I watch my friends and family move on while I'm left standing here wondering how I got here.