When "Plan B" becomes "Plan A"

Or rather "Plan B" alwasy as part of "Plan A", we just lost sight of it for a while. As I journey the half way point of my "medical therapy" stint on Lupron, I seach my heart for what it is I desire at the end of this journey. Aside from being "painfree", what is it that my heart wants most? What will fill the hole in my heart that seems to comsume me at times? A baby. Plain and simple. A baby to love and snuggle. A baby that will turn my husband to mush. A baby that giggles and coos. A baby with that sweet baby scent. Tiny hands and feet. Does it matter how this baby comes into my arms and my heart? No. Not any more. I've come to the realization that I will always desire to experience pregnancy and birth. That is me, that is who I am, that is a dream that I've had since I was a little girl. I've come to the realization that to wait until I no longer have that desire will mean that I will never be ready to adopt. I've come to the realization that I can still adopt with that desire in my heart. I will always want that experience, but it's no longer so important that my heart can't accept the blessing of an adopted child. We had always discussed adoption. It was always part of the plan. But also part of the plan was to have biological children as well. That's a natural assumption--to have the experience of giving birth to your children. But did God have other plans? This journey of "growing a family" is so much more complicated than we ever dreamed. For some people it's pretty simple and filled with happiness and joy. For us, it's been hard and filled with bittersweet. I long for "happiness and joy" in the journey. We've made the decision to spend this year paying off the rest of our debt (remodel, vehicle, etc) and saving as much $$$$ as we can. This year we will research our options with adoption (domestic and international). K has finally come to terms with the idea of my staying home to raise our family, so this year and most of next will be spent preparing the way for me to come home and do part time bookkeeping based at home. Yea! Through all this, I've been looking for a new job. Now I see my current job in a new light. I've been working on getting better communication lines open with my boss. Hard job, but making progress. I've been reviewing what I can handle now there really is an end (albeit 18+ mo from now). I know that the extra $$ that my current job brings in will be a big help to our finances. I have peace with the idea of staying put. Strange but true. I've declined a couple of interviews. K wants me to go on one this week that might pay the same or more, but also has tuition benefits. So we'll see what happens. This journey to have grow a family has been a journey of a lifetime. The impact on out lives will last a lifetime. The lessons learned, the things we've learned about ourselves and each other will be with us for always. We've weathered some storms and have found safe harbor everytime. God is faithful. We will endure. We will persevere. He will complete that which He has started. He and He alone will recieve Glory and Honor once this journey is complete. We are learning to have irrepressible hope.