To Painfree and Hold MY Baby in MY arms

Why is that too much to ask for?? Why does it contridict each other? 2 yrs 1 day since we started this journey to try to have a baby. 2 yrs 1 day filled with emotional and physical pain. Lots of questions and not enough answers. Yes, there have be important lessons learned and happy moments along the way, but there is still pain and no baby of our own to spoil and love. We've smiled our congrats to many new parents. I've listened to endlessly to my sister's stories of her three children and the one she adopting. I've played with and spoiled K's nephew as much as any doting aunt can with an empty spot in her heart. So many beautiful babies and children that we have in our lives, but none to call our own. "Enjoy it while you can" We're *done* enjoying it. "Oh, you're young, you've got time" You don't understand! "It'll happen, just be patient" I feel like I've been waiting my whole life, how much more patient can I be? "All in God's timing" Why is He so quiet? Why can't it be now? I'm weary and tired. My painfilled mind just wants to have everything removed and fly to China scoop up a beautiful little girl and bring her home. My empty heart wants to give it one more try. My mind and my heart don't agree, yet they want the same thing. As I go through my day doing simple tasks, that most people take for granted, I am painfully reminded that in April we will not be celebrating a "first birthday". That as I struggle to do things when my energy is low and the pain is high, there isn't anything to show for the challenges I've been through. Our "nursery" is still empty. There are no cries that wake us in the night. There's no little baby that only flashes that special smile reserved only for "mommy and daddy". I am painfully reminded that on April 6th I will run payroll as if it's any normal day instead of what could have been my baby's first birthday. My husband hurts too. He tries to remain strong for me, but he lets it out occasionally. He keeps reading through the international adoption packets that arrived while we are on our trip. His heart isn't ready to give up either, yet wants the same thing I do--His wife to be painfree and to hold OUR baby in HIS arms. He struggles with watch me struggle. He wants to take it away. He wants to give me a baby. Yet he has no control over the situation. That bothers him. Looming in the future is the likely possibility that our chances will be taken away forever. We live with the idea that if the medical treatments fail and if we aren't successful in getting PG and if the pain continues to be dibilitating, we'll have to make the radical choice to give up forever and start a whole new journey of hormonal treatments that go with surgical memopause. We can't do this until we've give it a shot, nor can we do this as long as our hearts disagree with our minds. The future is unknown. That's sometimes the hardest part of all.