Old Journal...

Or rather, what was salvagable from my old journal. This is old information and posted more for historical reasons for myself. 5/12/2004 I'm not much of a journaler, so we'll see how I do. But then again, with as much time as I spend on this board, maybe I'll find a few minutes to jot a few thoughts down.

I'm crashing your journal and hope you don't mind. Wanted to say hey and inject some more optimism your way. Sharonda

5/13/2004

Hi Rhonda! Wanted to offer you some hugs! Daryl

HUGS for you this morning. Looking forward to lurking here. Nancy

I didn't temp today. The alarm went off. I shut it off and went back to sleep while thinking "[x] it". I guess I'm finally reaching "not obsessing". I pretty much know what my pre-[o] temps do and what my post-[o] temps do, so I figure my temps don't meant too much until after cd 10. So I slept. Felt good. ****** Yeah!! I made it through the day with pain at 0-1. 5/14/2004 IT'S FRIDAY!!! My spoiled rotten doggie is coming home today as well!! She's been on a little "vacation" with a friend. I can't wait to have her home again. ******* I'm bored. Only 45 min to go until the Weekend begins, it's beautiful outside.....I DON'T WANT TO BE AT WORK!! 5/15/2004 It's Saturday. It's Sunny! It's Warm! My Doggie is home! What a wonderful day! I wish I understood this cycle. My temps have been post[o] temps, but OPKS and CM indicate that I haven't yet, but am gearing up to [o]. I wonder if it's the change in weather? 5/16/2004 Well I analyzed my charts and saw that when I start Prometrium, my pre-[o] temps were higher. So I'm back to relaxing. Based on OPK's, looks like I might get a early [o]. I haven't been drinking enough water. I need to start guzzling.

Hey Rhonda!! Just wanted to say hi! Mandy

5/17/2004

HI! Praying this cycle is it for you! Daryl

It's monday morning, woke up late. *sigh* My whole schedule is now out of whack. *sigh* Major temp dip today. Oral (Ovusoft Chart): 97.1 & Vaginal (FF Chart): 97.2. Didn't have time to update before work. This should be indicative of [o] tomorrow. We'll see a little later this morning if OPK's agree. ****** Looks like the "boys" are on deck tonight!! OPK lines are identical, so tomorrow should the test line should be darker. We'll see what tests and temps do tomorrow. I'm getting excited!! ******* I just learned that my insurance DOES pay for Lurpon. [:o] That puts a whole new spin on my arguement not to try it. Was nice when I thought it wasn't. Hmmmm....I'll have to log that away for future reference. Hopefully, I be PG by the end of the year and won't have to consider it. 5/18/2004 *sigh* I have a feeling this cycle is a bust. *sigh* We bd last night but it accidentally fell out at the wrong time. I'm not even sure this counts. Temp spike today, CM hasn't been all that good quality. Oh, well. It's all over now, just sit back and see. I told DH, "Watch, this is the cycle we get PG". He laughed. Sadly, my luck isn't quite that good. ****** I had a dream last night that I got *dark* BFP's on CBE & FRER. I remember getting all excited about it and then I started bawling. I remember thinking, "What if April thinks I don't love her anymore b/c I'm so excited." Then I started telling her how much I loved her and missed her and how much I'll always love her even though there'll be another baby. ....then I woke up.

Thanks for your kind words in my journal! It is so hard sometime to have that faith! I will be [pr] that this will be God's time for you! [f] Daryl

5/19/2004 DARYL -

quote: It is so hard sometime to have that faith!Yes it is, but aren't we lucky that God allows the times of weak faith and still blesses us?

Rhonda ******* WHY IS MY BODY SO MESSED UP??? Here I am pain free, FINALLY, but my cycles have gone to pot!! I can't win here. Why do I have EWCM NOW!! *sigh* did I [o] or not? This is insane! Why does it have to be so hard to get PG? Why? Why? Why? Why?

HUGS! HUGS! Nancy

5/20/2004 I can't believe my chart. Why can't I just get PG and be done with all this?? Another day of whys. ******* Just spoke with the fertility ANP that Dr. C uses for IF and she thinks that I may have a retained Cyst b/c my OPK's are saying dark. I also pointed out that my temps didn't really go low either, so she suggested HPT as well. I really doubt it, but I guess I'll check just to be sure. She's going to suggest a cd 2 u/s to Dr. C if my beta comes back negative in a couple of weeks to check for retained cysts. She suggests beginning the progesterone today. I hope insurance pays the u/s ($450). Hopefully it won't get coded IF.

quote: ORIGINAL: twinangel DARYL - quote: It is so hard sometime to have that faith!Yes it is, but aren't we lucky that God allows the times of weak faith and still blesses us? AMEN! Thank God! Many HUGS! Daryl

5/21/2004 The thing is, I'm NOT in pain. I think my body may just still be [x] about all the stuff Dr. C did last month. She messed with my ovaries quite about bit popping cysts. Last month wasn't really great either, so we'll see. Thing is I took 200mg of progesterone (one in a.m. & p.m.) instead of the prescribed 100mg and it STILL didn't touch my temp. It ain't over until [oaf] shows, but it sure don't look promising. 5/22/2004 I spent a wonderful evening with DH. We didn't watch the movie I rented. Instead we went for a drive. We explored some of the neighborhoods and where the new H.S. is being built. Put almost 50 miles on the car tonight. Then we took a 1/2 mile walk. We talked and laughed and had a great time. No to get some sleep....zzzzzzzz. 5/24/2004 Nothing to report here. My chart is still wacky. Anyone who wants to take a look and offer an opinion/advice are welcome to it. The [o] date is based on my 1st + OPK, but the OPK's stayed + all week. They are finally going light again. Who knows. My temps are definately not reflecting [o]. My husband took my keys to work with him this morning, so I was dreadfully late to work. Not a good way to start a Monday. Especially waking up with a horrible headache. *sigh* I'll be back for personals when I'm in a more positive attitude.

HUGS! You're right your temps don't reflect [o] . Sometimes these charts help so much and sometimes they just force us to lean on the Lord more. Nancy

I just made plane reservations to spend my birthday with my twin sister for the first time in 15 years!! I'm so excited. I also get to watch my niece turn one! I've never been able to attend the kids' bday parties, so this will be exciting. I will also be with the ppl who were the most supportive IRL about the m/c on the anniversary of my D&C. 5/25/04

Rhonda~ Sounds like it will be a great birthday. I have always wanted a twin sister. Nancy

I JUST WANT TO BE PREGNANT!! Two BFP's in two BG today. I am really, really happy for them. I'm just b/c I'm not joining them and my chart doesn't look promising. I'm almost scared to be PG this cycle since my temps are so low. I'm scared if I were I'd just m/c again. But I want to be sooooo bad! ************ I got a call today to let me know that a friend of mine is PG with her 5th child! They were s/b be through having kids. Apparently, they weren't even trying!!! WHY?! I'm mean I'm happy for her. But why do I have to keep waiting?? Why can't it be MY turn now? Then I go over to the IL's as I was invited for dinner. We just finish eating and the "only grandchild" calls and asks MIL to come over. Immediately we are told to go home 'cause she's going over to BIL's house. How rude and insensitive. To top that off, I have to sit through an entire conversation about the PG family friend and how she's due any day. Well, I would have a nearly two month old right now if I hadn't been so unlucky. I just want to curl up in bed and have a good cry. 5/26/04

Hi Rhonda...I just wanted to offer you some hugs. I'm so sorry to hear about how insensitive your in-laws have been lately. I'm also sorry that the news from your friend upset you. I know how hard it is to hear about other's getting pg when they say they weren't even trying. It doesn't seem fair. When we were ttc, it seemed like we kept hearing about people getting pg w/o trying. It was so frustrating. On one hand I felt happy for them, but on the other hand I kept thinking, "Why can't that be me?" or "What are we doing wrong?" Your feelings are normal. I'm keeping you in prayer, my friend. Mandy

Today I feel worthless because my MIL doesn't have time with me or Keith simply because we do not have a grandchild. Last night we were only there an hour and had just finished dinner (which they invited us to) and the "only grandchild" called for her to come over. She immediately told Keith & I we had to go home and raced over there. I cried all the way home. Keith says it's 'cause she only sees him 6mo out of the year. I reminded him that she only sees us that much, too. I feel like my worth to her right now only rates if I have a grandchild. And if she ever tells me again that she would be very happy with only one grandchild, I may never speak to her again!

I am sorry your MIL is insensitive. She probably either doesn't know how to interact or is just clueless. Nancy

Mmmmm....there's nothing like a Mom to help set your world back in place. I got a really long wonderfully written email from my mother. How different our relationship is now since she turned her heart to the Lord almost 2 yrs ago. I pray the Lord blesses her richly for the blessing she's been to me during the long TTC journey. Thank you all for your & & kind words. It's been a pretty hormonal morning. DH & I had a good talk this morning before I went into my meeting (hate those). He realizes now that if he can't fix it, just hold me and let me cry out my tears about the injustice in the world. I think next time he'll have an easier time dealing with me, but then I have to remember he's not a mind reader as well. *sigh* On to make this a better day!!

Sounds like an awesome birthday! I am sorry about your inlaws. I have similar problems with mine. Can I join you in the I just want to be pregnant club but I am scared to miscarry again? Some things just stink somtimes. Carissa

Rhonda~ I am so glad you have a mom to set things straight. prayers the day gets better and better. Nancy

Yeah, mom's are neat. That's why I want to be one. I guess I just need to figure out if I only want to be one if I give birth. ****** Had lunch with Keith & found out interesting things about MIL's relationship with her own mother (whom I've never met as she died 20 yrs ago). Explains a lot about MIL. Simply put, she does not know how to have a mother/daughter relationship and therefore does not really know how to relate to me. Lucky thing that women only had boys! She did have a great relationship with her father which would explain why Keith turned out so well! 5/27/04

Rhonda~ Here are some Words for you this morning: Psalm 113:1-9 Praise ye the Lord. Praise, O ye servants of the Lord, praise the name of the Lord. [2] Blessed be the name of the Lord from this time forth and for evermore. [3] From the rising of the sun unto the going down of the same the Lord's name is to be praised. [4] The Lord is high above all nations, and his glory above the heavens. [5] Who is like unto the Lord our God, who dwelleth on high, [6] Who humbleth himself to behold the things that are in heaven, and in the earth! [7] He raiseth up the poor out of the dust, and lifteth the needy out of the dunghill; [8] That he may set him with princes, even with the princes of his people. [9] He maketh the barren woman to keep house, and to be a joyful mother of children. Praise ye the Lord. This was on my heart for you today. Nancy

Thank you, Nancy. You made me :) today. 5/31/04 AF showed her ugly face on Friday. cd 22. According to OPK's a LP of 9. My body is officially screwed up. Keith is traveling most of June. So at this rate it looks like I'll be PG about the 12th of never!

Hugs to you my friend. I hope your not leaving IHT! You make the best headers and are such an ispiration to me! Hope your having a Happy Memorial Day! Daryl

5/31/04 Tiring day. I had to work today. Was supposed to be a holiday. 6/01/04

Just wanted to give you some HUGS Nancy

*~*~*~*~ VENT WARNING! Proceed at your own risk ~*~*~*~* I'm depressed today. I've had to be happy and congratulatory towards SEVEN BFP's in a week's time all the while I'm sobbing for myself. I know it's selfish of me and it's coveting which even more wrong. I just don't understand and I'm scared. I'm scared that we wasted time and it's all run out. I'm angry, too. Angry b/c I should be holding a baby now. Angry b/c Keith didn't listen when I told him that waiting to get PG with Endo was risky. Angry b/c I *hate* to wait. I waited so long to get married. Why do I have now wait so long to have a baby? Angry with my body b/c it won't cooperate. Angry b/c none of our insurance will cover IF so were rather stuck in the waiting game. I want to storm the throne room of God and demand that He answer my prayer NOW. But then what would that get me? Out of His perfect will. I want to know what it is I need to learn. What it is that holding things up. How much longer do I have to wait? How much longer to I have to sit and watch the world go on while I sit and wait? Patience isn't a virtue of mine. If that's the lesson I'm supposed to learn, I guess I'll never get PG. ****** I called the dr.'s office today since my cycle was so short and I wasn't able to get a cd 2 u/s as that was Sat. The nurse is checking to see if it's too late for the u/s & b/w suggested by the RE consult. *sigh* It probably going to be another wait it out cycle and Keith is traveling a lot next month so the odds are really not in our favor there either. Waiting, waiting, waiting....

Oh, Rhonda, I don't really have any words of wisdom but I did want to give you a here and tell you that you have really been on my heart today. I'm horrible at waiting too, and I have been struggling a bit with wanting what others have today too, as happy as I am for all of them. Here's something I wrote in my blog a couple months ago that was a good reminder to me today too - I hope maybe there is something in here that could encourage you today? If not, I hope a hug helps. I will pray for you today. quote:

A primer on Waiting I've never been good at waiting. When I was a child I usually managed to find my gifts for my birthday or Christmas long before the date somehow. I guess the agony of waiting seemed greater than the potential joy of a surprise, or even the joy of anticipating a surprise. The only times I don't mind waiting is when what I'm waiting for doesn't mean as much to me. Tonight I got the heartbreaking news that once again we are not pregnant this month. Waiting for a child has been such a challenge for me. At first I was waiting for myself to be 'ready', and that was easy waiting. Then I waited for my husband to be ready, which was very tough, because it was hard to set my agenda aside and put our relationship ahead of my heart's desire for a child. But I love him more than a child, and I always will, so it was worth it, though tough. Now I am waiting for God to decide it is time for us. I would rather 'duke it out' with God than Todd, so this is a good place to be in, but a helpless place at the same time. I feel a lot like when I was single and wanted to be married. I could plead with God and bargain with God and go to all the youth events LOL, but in the end, the only way to have my heart's desire fulfilled was to trust in the Lord and lean not on my own understanding, acknowleding Him in all my ways and letting Him direct my paths. Easy to say, but harder to do. The same is true now though - it is a similar kind of waiting in many ways...trying to be happy in the great life I already have, reminding myself of all I have to be grateful for, trying to let my will be molded to His. One way that I affirmed God's promise to me of a husband was by writing letters and buying a card now and then for my future husband. I started doing that for my future child (children?!) over a year ago and from time to time, I express my trust in God's goodness and express my dreams, love and longing for my child in that form. That has been good for me, and has been a source of comfort to me. Part of the answer of getting through 'waiting' times for me has been GRATITUDE - a deliberate purposeful reminding to myself of the many things I have to be grateful for. I have done that a few times even here in this blog. Actually that is the theme that God has chosen for He and I for 2004 - good timing I guess. Another part of the answer for me is SURRENDER - laying down my will and saying verbally to God (as many times as it takes for me to believe it!) that I will do whatever He wants for me, that I trust Him with my heart and with my life and that I love His ways. Many songs help me with this. The third area of focus that comes to my mind is HOPE. God reminded me a few weeks ago that Hope is a free gift from Him - one that is on the table whether I reject it or accept it. Hope is beautiful! It makes really tough situations brighter for me, as tacky as that sounds. It truly does. I have hope in God's plans for me, I have hope in his promise to me that I will be a mother to a child someday and most of all I have hope that life is about more than all of this. Life is about heaven, a place where there is no disappointment and no waiting. God reminded me today that this waiting is good practice for me - that I should long for heaven the way my heart longs for a child now. In some ways I do already long for heaven in that way, but I think I should foster that longing - foster that ache and uncomfortable unsettled-ness. I'm not supposed to be completely at home here. I'm so grateful that God has made his home in my heart while I'm on earth and that I am never alone in the waiting. He has never failed me - at times He has had me wait longer than I wanted , but when I call for comfort, He has always come, and always brought a gift of hope to my heart. I love Him so much!

Sorry if it is rude to post something so long in your journal! Have a better day my friend. Bonnie

quote: ORIGINAL: twinangel *~*~*~*~ VENT WARNING! Proceed at your own risk ~*~*~*~*

Risk taken.

quote: I'm depressed today. I've had to be happy and congratulatory towards SEVEN BFP's in a week's time all the while I'm sobbing for myself. I know it's selfish of me and it's coveting which even more wrong.

I am glad that you have been able to be happy, but that is God's grace. To be happy for others even though you are hurting yourself. I pray that you don't have to wait another month, that your heart would continue to heal. If I allow my mind to wonder, whew!! I found myself angry this afternoon that I should be entering my 2nd trimester. But I can't, I need to trust Him that He knows my very heart and my needs. and He knows yours too. Vent away! Praying for you. Nancy

Oh Rhonda...HUGS I don't know the right words to console your heart, but I'd like to offer plenty of hugs and prayers. HUGS I'll be praying for you today and throughout the week. HUGS Mandy

BONNIE - No, not rude. What I needed to hear. You write so well. Thank you. NANCY - There really aren't many IRL who understand the concept of being happy and sad at the same time. I've had to hide the sad part. I've never told Keith the part I wrote about him. It would do more harm than good. He is very sensitive and to let him know that would hurt him to the core. I had to get it out though, so that I don't vent it on him. I've been feeling that really strongly lately. I'm trying not to give up. I'm trying to let God be God and wait for His perfect plan. Is just so overwhelming right now. MANDY - You snuck in on me. Thank you. You're a sweetie. ****** Just spoke with the nurse at Dr. C's office. The RE consult wants a cd 12 u/s (since I missed cd 2) just to take a look at what it going on. With the OPK's stay + and the odd results with Progesterone, she's concerned that things aren't quite as they seem. So, I'll have a mid-cycle u/s on June 8th. It feels good to do something proactive. I also found the u/s clinic is open on Sat. I could have gone in.

quote: ORIGINAL: twinangel Angry b/c I *hate* to wait. I waited so long to get married. Why do I have now wait so long to have a baby?

I feel the same way! I had to wait til I was 25 to meet the one God promised me and then had to wait until I was almost 29 to get married. Now I am 34, just had all that dysplasia cleared up and am waiting somemore because DH is scared and he wants us to be more stable financialy. Which means I need to go to work and I really don't want to. All I want to do is have a baby and be able to stay home. I am trying to put all of this in the Lord's hands but it is so hard. All I can offer you is understanding, support, friendship and lots of prayers! Oh and Hugs too! Daryl

6/02/04 DARYL - I didn't get married until 27. Now I'm almost 32 stilling waiting for a baby. *sigh* I had figured since I had waited so long to get married that getting PG would be quick. Boy was I disillusioned!! I'm in better spirits today. Helps to know that they'll be checking things on Tues. I still feel a little discouraged though. Trying to leave in God's hands. 6/05/04

Just stopping by to give you some HUGS Nancy

This is where the host lost almost 400 posts in my journal covering the next 4 months. *sigh* I had some great posts!!