My heart is broken...

Last night was really hard to watch the church baby (we only have one) crawling and cooing. I can't help but think that my baby should be down on the floor with him. If things hadn't gone so stinkin' wrong last year, I would be hold a 6.5 mo baby instead of desaparately trying to get PG. None of the cousins are going to be close to my child's age. They are all going to be too old to want to play with my kids. Provided I ever get any. Another dream smashed--one that had all the cousins playing together and growing up together. This morning I asked God what my purpose in life was if it wasn't to be a mother? I wonder sometimes what it is that I did so horribly wrong to have to endure this? Or what is so important that I'm not doing that I have to go through this to learn something. Isn't it enough I will have to deal with Endometriosis for the rest of my life? I feel robbed right now. I was robbed of my baby. I was robbed of the experience of being PG. I was robbed of the joy and romance of creating a little baby of our own. I feel like I'm being robbed of my dreams. I just want to curl up under the covers and cry and scream and sleep until January. Thank god it's Friday. I don't think I can handle another day at work. Another day of pretending I'm perfectly fine. Another day of no one understanding my pain.